Watery Break Down

No, I am not together as I sound when it comes to this whole PCOS and desiring another baby thing. I know that God is ultimately in control, even if my hearts desire is different than His plans for me and my family. When asked what I want in regards to this issue, I always answer "God's Will". I really do want God's Will but I must admit my desires are still there. I want to control the outcome. I want, well, what I want. Yesterday, I had a very intense "talk" with God while in the shower. I had wrote HYSTERECTOMY on the shower door in the moisture. Just looking at the word, right there, in front of my face triggered so much frustration, anger, lack of self and hurt. Without thinking about it, I wrote in very large letters BABY. I started screaming and shouting that I didn't want to have to have a hysterectomy, that I wanted a baby. With so much anger, I wiped off the word hysterectomy. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want that, that all I wanted was another baby. Someone for Edward to have in his life after we were gone. I worry about him being alone, with no other family to share his memories with. I started crying, I felt like I was being punished (I often feel that way, I just don't usually share that feeling with others because most don't understand what it feels like not be able to have a baby without trying day in and day out to conceive one). I don't tend to share a lot of my "real feelings" about what I am going through because most folks tend to shut down and don't really care to hear what it's like to feel like half of a woman (or less). Sometimes I think God hasn't blessed us with another child because I am an awful mother, not worthy enough to mother more of his blessings. I started begging God for my hearts desire, a baby, there in the shower. Sometimes it's just very lonely and I guess all those unshared feelings build up until they have no other choice but to explode. Since I don't share, the only one I can explode at is God. I feel so overlooked and unloved at times, wondering what I ever did wrong to have bear this cross of PCOS and Infertility. I try so hard to look at it like Laura Story's song "Blessings" but I must admit that at times that can be very difficult to do. I pretty much know that my thoughts are safe here because so few take the time to come and read what I wrote. They probably think it's just more whining, crying and poor picked on me. Well maybe it is, but I am the one who has to walk this path in life and I need a way to vent ... that is in part why I started blogging about my journey with PCOS and Infertility.