Re-do Update

Today I went back in for a "re-do" of the ultrasound that I went in for on Saturday. Follicle still present (Praise the Lord), grew 2 more cm (now at 16) and the lining was still at the same measurement (HUGE Praise the Lord ----- this morning in the shower He reminded me that they told me that the Femara could cause the lining to be a little thicker). I am to give myself the shot of Ovidrel on Wednesday, we are to BD on Wednesday night and Friday morning (or night). I stopped by a dear friends house who is also a Strong Firm Believer in Christ, her husband, she and I laid hands on the Ovidrel and then we prayed for it to be effective, work, no side effects and that a baby would be conceived. (I SAY AMEN, AMEN, AMEN ..... I BELIEVE ..... PRAISE YOU GOD!!). Now it's all in God's hands, but then again it always has been.

Back to the start????

Went in for my doctors appointment this morning. They were doing an ultrasound and then going to give me a shot of Ovidrel (which will mature the follicles (which is what they were looking for this morning with the ultrasound---one was found (14mm --- needs to be about 18mm) and cause me to ovulate). Ended up not getting the shot and being told there was concern about my lining. It seemed thick, which with the past history of Endometrial Hyperplasia can mean back to square one for us again. My stress level jacked up 100%. The nurse (tech) wanted to talk to the doctor, who wasn't working this weekend. So they said that they would call me back after talking to her. She called back after having spoken to the Dr. for a very long time (not good from my experience). It was decided that for this month I don't need to see the doctor. The nurse (tech) will see me on Monday to do another ultrasound and then most likely give me the shot of Ovidrel that day. If we are unsuccessful this month in getting PG, then I do have to see the doctor next month. It's been a year since my last biopsy/check of my lining. I have two choices either having an ultrasound/biopsy or have another hysteroscopy (surgery). Then decide from there if it's continue on TTC#2 or just go straight for the hysterectomy. Let's just say I am feeling extremely overwhelmed right now and trying to remember that it is ultimately God who is in control and not me. We've done everything we could (and were willing for moral reasons) to do. I also need to remember that no one said that this road was an easy one to travel, it just has been feeling so lonely lately on it. 

Feeling Alone in a Crowded Room

I try so hard to remain upbeat, making sure not to lean to much on others when that is all I really want to do. I want a hug, an understanding caring shoulder to cry on, someone just to ask how are you doing and to actually care about my true response (to see beyond my false replies and forced smiles). Lately, I feel like I am in a crowded room but no one sees me standing there. I am walked around, talked over, and sometimes even made to feel smaller than a speck of dust. PCOS can be so damn lonely and add all the issues/complications, well  you might as well be wearing a huge scarlet letter. You sound like a hypochondriac but your not really, it's just that a disease like PCOS effects so many aspects of your life that it begins to take over not just your body but your whole being.

So Many New Changes

DH is now taking 50 mg of Clomid daily. We should see an increase in sperm production and less of the issues created by low testosterone levels in 4 to 6 weeks (so the middle to end of May). I think this wait may be the hardest, that darn clock is starting to tick louder and louder. I am now taking Famara and not Clomid. I am LH testing to see if I get an LH spike or not this time. We were never truly sure that I had a LH spike (that means your ovulating) while on the Clomid or not. DH has to go back to the male infertility specialist in July for a new semen count. We are praying for an increase in sperm, sperm motility and a higher testosterone level (over 300, his is currently 161). I ended up having to go this past month to get yet another progesterone shot. So that added to the whole waiting issue on my part. No Cycle equals a longer wait. This is detrimental to our time line, because that means a shot for me. That means more time waiting, you have to wait about 5 to 10 days for the progesterone to do it's job once you receive the shot (or pill). The pill doesn't work for me, it does nothing. It's like my body rejects it in that form. So it's a shot or nothing. 3 months ago, I had my first reaction ever to a progesterone shot. Truthfully it freaked me out. If I can't get the shot when I need it due to an allergic reaction then I am in big trouble. We might as well stop and let them do the hysterectomy now. Thankfully with this last shot there was no reaction.

What is it about me?

Is it okay to feel selfish? I feel like no one really cared what I went through last year and will be facing this year. Someone asked me the other day if I had just 1 child, I said yes. I always feel like I have to explain why I have only 1 child. I don't want folks to think it was a personal choice thing. Especially when God told us to go forth, multiply and be plentiful. Anyway I answered her question and said that I had PCOS and that it took us 10 1/2 yrs to get him. She said "Oh!" and then started talking to the gal next to me, like what I said wasn't of any importance (side note the gal she ended up spending 10 or more minutes talking to was also discussing a health issue). I guess maybe to her it wasn't. But this is what I mean by folks not really seeming to listen or wanting to understand. Then there is the issue of others going through various forms of illnesses and getting lavished with attention, card showers and food being brought for their family to have meals for weeks so the person going through the illness wont have to cook. I went through 3 surgeries last year, a cancer treatment, my haired thinned out terribly, I worked hard to loose weight and tried to remain as stress free as possible, I was scared to death. No one gave me a card shower to bring up my spirits, no one cooked ( or brought) meals for my family, and some folks tended to add stress to my life. Why am I always the person who gets pushed aside, over looked and/or stepped on? I often wonder what it is about me that makes this occur so often in my life. I try so hard to be uplifting, understanding of what others are going through, put myself last, do for others and so forth. Sometimes it's just so hard to not think that no one cares! I guess I just am feeling so alone lately on this journey. Yes, I know I have God and my husband, but sometimes you just need something more I guess.
PLEASE NOTE: It's not that I don't care about the suffering(s) that others are going through. It truly breaks my heart to hear of anyone (friend or someone I don't even know) going through an illness or difficult situation, especially ones that are life changing or even in the worst case, life threatening. I tend to go out of my way to do what I can for them, being it something as simply praying for them or going above and beyond that. I don't like to see anyone suffer. I don't do those things to receive back their pity, help and/or so forth. I do it because I truly do care.

Watery Break Down

No, I am not together as I sound when it comes to this whole PCOS and desiring another baby thing. I know that God is ultimately in control, even if my hearts desire is different than His plans for me and my family. When asked what I want in regards to this issue, I always answer "God's Will". I really do want God's Will but I must admit my desires are still there. I want to control the outcome. I want, well, what I want. Yesterday, I had a very intense "talk" with God while in the shower. I had wrote HYSTERECTOMY on the shower door in the moisture. Just looking at the word, right there, in front of my face triggered so much frustration, anger, lack of self and hurt. Without thinking about it, I wrote in very large letters BABY. I started screaming and shouting that I didn't want to have to have a hysterectomy, that I wanted a baby. With so much anger, I wiped off the word hysterectomy. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want that, that all I wanted was another baby. Someone for Edward to have in his life after we were gone. I worry about him being alone, with no other family to share his memories with. I started crying, I felt like I was being punished (I often feel that way, I just don't usually share that feeling with others because most don't understand what it feels like not be able to have a baby without trying day in and day out to conceive one). I don't tend to share a lot of my "real feelings" about what I am going through because most folks tend to shut down and don't really care to hear what it's like to feel like half of a woman (or less). Sometimes I think God hasn't blessed us with another child because I am an awful mother, not worthy enough to mother more of his blessings. I started begging God for my hearts desire, a baby, there in the shower. Sometimes it's just very lonely and I guess all those unshared feelings build up until they have no other choice but to explode. Since I don't share, the only one I can explode at is God. I feel so overlooked and unloved at times, wondering what I ever did wrong to have bear this cross of PCOS and Infertility. I try so hard to look at it like Laura Story's song "Blessings" but I must admit that at times that can be very difficult to do. I pretty much know that my thoughts are safe here because so few take the time to come and read what I wrote. They probably think it's just more whining, crying and poor picked on me. Well maybe it is, but I am the one who has to walk this path in life and I need a way to vent ... that is in part why I started blogging about my journey with PCOS and Infertility.

Breaking Heart

I didn't realize how hard I was dealing with things on the inside. My heart is absolutely breaking and I feel like I have no control over my life or my dreams anymore. I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and hide from the world. I feel like a failure as a woman. Not to mention I feel as if no one, who is suppose to, wants to care or understand what I am going through or feeling. I also feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from my family, and act as if everything is hunky dorey. It seems like life just keeps throwing in my face what I can never have. I know I sound like I am having a pity party. Maybe I am. I have given up all hope that any type of a miracle is ever going to take place. I feel like I am being punished and God has deemed me a failure as a mom and that is why I am "bearing this cross". It doesn't help that my husband has been pushing me for the past year to get a hysterectomy and has declared himself to "old" to have another child. It's like my feelings don't matter and never have, like I am just to push them aside and eventually I will just move on and get over them. My heart is breaking on the inside and I just don't know how to mend it correctly. I feel so sad and so lonely..............................................

Why Me?

Seriously why is it always me, who has the encounter with someone who is complaining about their children, being pregnant or their spouse wanting another kid?  Why am I "gripping" about this? Well, it's been a hard week for me. I found out that my step brother (whom I love with all my heart) and his wife are having a little girl in Sept. If you know me, you know that is what I was praying that we would have if we would have gotten pregnant. I can't side step this, I am happy for them but at the same time a wee bit jealous (envious) too. I want to participate in their happiness, share their joy and not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thankfully I can do this from afar as they are in WA state and I am in KS. Anyway, I digress, I was in Gymboree to purchase a baby gift for the baby shower that my step sister will be throwing for them in about 10 days. I picked out what I wanted and took it to the cash register. I commented on how I love their clothes because they last. I said I knew this because the clothes I had purchased from them over the years for my son have been passed down to several other little boys and are still going strong. Well, for some reason this seemed to be an invitation for the sales lady to start in on how she was going to give her child's clothes to someone but her husband said not to, he wanted to try for another child. She said to me "who does he think is going to carry it" and how she wasn't in on this deal and so on. I just gave her a weak smile, said I only had 1 child and that unfortunately for me, another child was not in the cards for us. She didn't get my hints and just kept going on and on about not wanting to be inconvenienced by being pregnant and having another child. How all this idea of having another child was his mother's doing, that he should stop answering the phone and talking to his mother. Seriously??? So I ended up spending most of my check out time listening to yet another person complaining about their blessings (children) and how it was a hassle to be a parent (no she didn't say that but that is how is basically comes across to most women who would give up everything they have just to be able to get pregnant without thinking about it, because their spouse (and they) wanted a baby). Some people just don't think about what other people might be going through before they open their mouths.

Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have hair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People stare at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section. (please note this is just the short list of other ailments and side effects a woman can suffer with PCOS). (NOTE: added 6/30/11 if you are a woman with PCOS and don't have a regular monthly mense (especially if it last longer than a week or an unusually heavy flow) consult your doctor (keep pushing them if you have too) to find out what is going on. This could be a sign of something more serious with PCOS. Sorry don't want to freak you out but it's serious enough to put this warning on here. Even if you don't have PCOS and one of these issues arise, consult your doctor (especially if it continues over a duration of time).

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE