Stop thinking you know me!

I am tired of people thinking that they know me and what I am feeling while I am going through this. Only I (and the Lord) truly know me that well, and only He and I know what I am feeling at this point in time. I am tired of people assuming that this was my decision (and acting/treating me like it was), that I elected to have a hysterectomy. No! No! No, I didn't! I didn't choose this for me, I was told & informed that this was the best choice for my health, my body and my life expectancy. If I don't want to chance leaving my young son motherless, than I have to take care of myself. Unfortunately, in order for me to do that, I have to have a hysterectomy. Let me grieve, it's a part of the process. I am not just grieving the loss of my uterus, but more importantly I am grieving the loss of my ever being able to have another child. Even though I am almost 40, it's still possible to have a child as long as you have all the proper parts and you body is producing eggs. So you see dreams are being murdered as far as I am concerned. Yes, I am going to take offense at this time of those who chose to complain about the 500 million children (I know that is an exaggeration --- but hopefully you see what I mean) God has chosen to bless them with. I am going to take offense when you're 8 months pregnant and complaining about just how awful being pregnant for the 100th millionth (I know another exaggeration) time is. I am going to take offense when you can never find a positive thing to say about your children, your spouse, or your marriage. I don't care if you don't like that I am going to be straight forward and tell you just exactly how I am feeling at that time about what you are gripping about, because yes, as far as I am concerned that is exactly what you are doing and how it is coming across to those around you (whether they choose to say so to your face or not, or even worse yet join you in your gripping session). You can pretend that you didn't realize what you were saying was offensive but deep down you know you were complaining and gripping about your blessings. Why am I the one being punished, while all you do is sit back and complain about what God has given you? Granted I haven't walked in your shoes or gone through what you have, but then again you haven't walked in mine either. You can blog about your perfect parenting skills and boast about how wonderful of a parent you are but when you sit there with your peers and choose to do nothing but look at the negative, it makes all your blogging meaningless. If you truly have walked the path of infertility and/or the loose of a pregnancy or child, then you of all people should know to think before you speak. How did you feel when these things were happening to you? Did you like to sit there and listen to people complain about their blessings all the time? Did you just want to tell those around you to stop? I do! My child isn't perfect by any means, but he is my blessing. I choose to look to what he adds to our lives, not takes away from it (which in my book, is nothing). I had over 10 yrs of being childless, to go to spas, shopping trips with the girls, movies and date nights out. He is only going to be a child for such a short time, there will be plenty of time after he is grown up to go get a pedicure, go shopping again with the girls, to go out alone to movies or dinner. He is not an inconvenience in our lives. He is a part of our lives. He makes our lives richer not poorer.

What is it about me?

Is it okay to feel selfish? I feel like no one really cared what I went through last year and will be facing this year. Someone asked me the other day if I had just 1 child, I said yes. I always feel like I have to explain why I have only 1 child. I don't want folks to think it was a personal choice thing. Especially when God told us to go forth, multiply and be plentiful. Anyway I answered her question and said that I had PCOS and that it took us 10 1/2 yrs to get him. She said "Oh!" and then started talking to the gal next to me, like what I said wasn't of any importance (side note the gal she ended up spending 10 or more minutes talking to was also discussing a health issue). I guess maybe to her it wasn't. But this is what I mean by folks not really seeming to listen or wanting to understand. Then there is the issue of others going through various forms of illnesses and getting lavished with attention, card showers and food being brought for their family to have meals for weeks so the person going through the illness wont have to cook. I went through 3 surgeries last year, a cancer treatment, my haired thinned out terribly, I worked hard to loose weight and tried to remain as stress free as possible, I was scared to death. No one gave me a card shower to bring up my spirits, no one cooked ( or brought) meals for my family, and some folks tended to add stress to my life. Why am I always the person who gets pushed aside, over looked and/or stepped on? I often wonder what it is about me that makes this occur so often in my life. I try so hard to be uplifting, understanding of what others are going through, put myself last, do for others and so forth. Sometimes it's just so hard to not think that no one cares! I guess I just am feeling so alone lately on this journey. Yes, I know I have God and my husband, but sometimes you just need something more I guess.
PLEASE NOTE: It's not that I don't care about the suffering(s) that others are going through. It truly breaks my heart to hear of anyone (friend or someone I don't even know) going through an illness or difficult situation, especially ones that are life changing or even in the worst case, life threatening. I tend to go out of my way to do what I can for them, being it something as simply praying for them or going above and beyond that. I don't like to see anyone suffer. I don't do those things to receive back their pity, help and/or so forth. I do it because I truly do care.

Watery Break Down

No, I am not together as I sound when it comes to this whole PCOS and desiring another baby thing. I know that God is ultimately in control, even if my hearts desire is different than His plans for me and my family. When asked what I want in regards to this issue, I always answer "God's Will". I really do want God's Will but I must admit my desires are still there. I want to control the outcome. I want, well, what I want. Yesterday, I had a very intense "talk" with God while in the shower. I had wrote HYSTERECTOMY on the shower door in the moisture. Just looking at the word, right there, in front of my face triggered so much frustration, anger, lack of self and hurt. Without thinking about it, I wrote in very large letters BABY. I started screaming and shouting that I didn't want to have to have a hysterectomy, that I wanted a baby. With so much anger, I wiped off the word hysterectomy. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want that, that all I wanted was another baby. Someone for Edward to have in his life after we were gone. I worry about him being alone, with no other family to share his memories with. I started crying, I felt like I was being punished (I often feel that way, I just don't usually share that feeling with others because most don't understand what it feels like not be able to have a baby without trying day in and day out to conceive one). I don't tend to share a lot of my "real feelings" about what I am going through because most folks tend to shut down and don't really care to hear what it's like to feel like half of a woman (or less). Sometimes I think God hasn't blessed us with another child because I am an awful mother, not worthy enough to mother more of his blessings. I started begging God for my hearts desire, a baby, there in the shower. Sometimes it's just very lonely and I guess all those unshared feelings build up until they have no other choice but to explode. Since I don't share, the only one I can explode at is God. I feel so overlooked and unloved at times, wondering what I ever did wrong to have bear this cross of PCOS and Infertility. I try so hard to look at it like Laura Story's song "Blessings" but I must admit that at times that can be very difficult to do. I pretty much know that my thoughts are safe here because so few take the time to come and read what I wrote. They probably think it's just more whining, crying and poor picked on me. Well maybe it is, but I am the one who has to walk this path in life and I need a way to vent ... that is in part why I started blogging about my journey with PCOS and Infertility.

Happy yet sad, content yet uncontent

Well yesterday my step-brother and his wife were blessed with their first child,  a daughter. Don't get me wrong, I am so very happy from them. Lately it just seems that because I want a girl and can't have one, everyone around me is having one. It's really hard not to feel as if God is rubbing it in my face. Kinda like hahahahahaha see what I can give to others, but what I wont give to you. I know that God isn't doing that. I am just feeling a little down right now. I thought that I had gotten off of this emotional roller coaster ride finally. That I had accepted the obvious, there is never going to be another baby in my arms that I gave birth to. Darn biological clock is ticking hard it seems lately.
On a good note, this past month I didn't have to go to the doctor for a jump start on my period. It started on it's own and was normal (for once). Praise the Lord for that!

Breaking Heart

I didn't realize how hard I was dealing with things on the inside. My heart is absolutely breaking and I feel like I have no control over my life or my dreams anymore. I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and hide from the world. I feel like a failure as a woman. Not to mention I feel as if no one, who is suppose to, wants to care or understand what I am going through or feeling. I also feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from my family, and act as if everything is hunky dorey. It seems like life just keeps throwing in my face what I can never have. I know I sound like I am having a pity party. Maybe I am. I have given up all hope that any type of a miracle is ever going to take place. I feel like I am being punished and God has deemed me a failure as a mom and that is why I am "bearing this cross". It doesn't help that my husband has been pushing me for the past year to get a hysterectomy and has declared himself to "old" to have another child. It's like my feelings don't matter and never have, like I am just to push them aside and eventually I will just move on and get over them. My heart is breaking on the inside and I just don't know how to mend it correctly. I feel so sad and so lonely..............................................

Why Me?

Seriously why is it always me, who has the encounter with someone who is complaining about their children, being pregnant or their spouse wanting another kid?  Why am I "gripping" about this? Well, it's been a hard week for me. I found out that my step brother (whom I love with all my heart) and his wife are having a little girl in Sept. If you know me, you know that is what I was praying that we would have if we would have gotten pregnant. I can't side step this, I am happy for them but at the same time a wee bit jealous (envious) too. I want to participate in their happiness, share their joy and not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thankfully I can do this from afar as they are in WA state and I am in KS. Anyway, I digress, I was in Gymboree to purchase a baby gift for the baby shower that my step sister will be throwing for them in about 10 days. I picked out what I wanted and took it to the cash register. I commented on how I love their clothes because they last. I said I knew this because the clothes I had purchased from them over the years for my son have been passed down to several other little boys and are still going strong. Well, for some reason this seemed to be an invitation for the sales lady to start in on how she was going to give her child's clothes to someone but her husband said not to, he wanted to try for another child. She said to me "who does he think is going to carry it" and how she wasn't in on this deal and so on. I just gave her a weak smile, said I only had 1 child and that unfortunately for me, another child was not in the cards for us. She didn't get my hints and just kept going on and on about not wanting to be inconvenienced by being pregnant and having another child. How all this idea of having another child was his mother's doing, that he should stop answering the phone and talking to his mother. Seriously??? So I ended up spending most of my check out time listening to yet another person complaining about their blessings (children) and how it was a hassle to be a parent (no she didn't say that but that is how is basically comes across to most women who would give up everything they have just to be able to get pregnant without thinking about it, because their spouse (and they) wanted a baby). Some people just don't think about what other people might be going through before they open their mouths.

Ovulation Test Fustration

I have been using those Clearblue Ovulation kits for the past 3 days, and I am not getting an ovulation sign at all. I am so fustrated, I am afraid that they aren't doing what they are suppose to and I am ovulating an missing the window when I could be trying to get pregnant. I am praying I get a surge line and soon, if I don't get one this month I am going to be very upset with those test, because I know I should ovulate since I am on the Clomid. ARG!!!! I wish getting pregnant was easier.

PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was just writing I have a friend with Lupus, and like Lupus, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disease that there is not much known about. So I can understand to some degree what my friend with Lupus faces on a daily, lots of people think she is just faking or is a hypo-conderact. My PCOS has brought me closer to God. It has allowed me to learn so much. My Faith in the Lord is very strong because of it. I was able to work in a day care and to be a nanny for 5 years before God blessed us with a child of our own. I was able to learn patience, important nurturing, unconditional love, and just how to raise a child with love and acceptance for who they are. People say that God doesn't give us diseases or allow bad things to us. Of course He doesn't give us disease but he does allow them to happen to us and other things that will cause trials in our lives. He does it out of love for us not out of hate. He wants us to grow stronger in our faith and walk with him. Sometimes he allows things to happen to put us back in our place. I love Him for this.