Friday, December 23, 2011

Over Half of a Lifetime!

It just dawned on me that since I was almost 17 1/2 yrs old I have been trying to have a baby. That means that over half of my life I have spent being poked, prodded, probed, tested, medicated, arguing with doctors who just don't seem to know or understand what is wrong, and so on, just to become a mother. 10 yrs ago (this coming August) I was blessed with becoming pregnant and being able to give birth to our beautiful son (our miracle--in May of the following year). But since then I have spent a lot of time in doctor's offices, with my legs in stir-ups with people looking at my most intimate area all for the sake of being able to be blessed again. I have gone as far as poking myself with a needle in my stomach and putting pills in places where pills just should not go, in hopes of becoming pregnant. I joke about the fact that I don't have to take pills or precautions to prevent an "unwanted" pregnancy like other women, instead I have to do just the opposite, I have to go to almost the ends of the earth (the women who go to the ends of the earth on this same quest in my opinion are the ones that have no other choice but invetro) to try to accomplish what those who just look at the opposite sex are trying to prevent. BROKEN! DEFECTIVE! NOT WOMANLY! ALONE! ASHAMED! MISUNDERSTOOD! SELFISH! that's how I feel a lot of the time. It's like you have this awful secret and there is just no one to share it with because no one seems to know or understand what you are going through. Yes, they try (some harder than others) but complete comprehension is just never achieved. Only those who have battled this lonely path in life or are exteremly close to someone who has, can understand some of what you are or have gone through (everyone's journey is different, therefore no one can completely understand 100% about your personal journey on this road or any other road that you have traveled through in this life, even when they want to with all their heart). I believe that PCOS just might be one of the most loneliest diseases that a woman can try to journey through.

Hyperplasia Update

Had to go have a sonogram yesterday, what joy! There was a cyst on the right ovary and the lining was slightly thick. Other than that everything looked okay. Cycles are coming pretty regularly. Had to get a shot last month but not this month. As long as everything continues as it's going, I wont have to have another surgery until the spring, if even then. It would be nice not to have to have another one for a while. I had way to many of them last year. My hair doesn't seem to be growing as quickly and I wonder if it's still not from that high progesterone treatment. Coming off that stuff messed with me something awful. I pray I never have to go through that again. In October I went to hair dresser and the gal, cut off all the effected hair. You could see where the new growth that came in after I went off the medicine started and where the old growth was. I ended up with an awful haircut to just remove the effected hair. I do have to say though that my hair pretty much has stopped coming out in fistfuls in the shower since it was cut. That was very freaky. I am being very serious about this, if you have don't have a regular monthly cycle (especially one that doesn't come at least every 3 months) get your hinney into the doctor now and if they don't listen to you see a specialist in Female Reproductive Health. Not having a month cycle is a very dangerous thing, especially if you have something like PCOS. If your doctor doesn't know about PCOS and you think you have it . Arm yourself with information, be your own advocate (this also goes for any other type of aliment). That is what I had to do, I got tired of arguing with doctors who couldn't find out what was wrong. It's frustrating. Surprisingly there are still a lot of doctors out there that have no clue (even specialists) about PCOS, sometimes you have to guide them more then they will guide you through it.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Giving Up The Dream

I never shared this before on my blog but back in July when my Step-Sister was throwing a baby shower for my Step-Sister-In-Law, I gave up all the beautiful baby girl clothes that I had been collecting and storing in hopes that I would have a little girl to put them on. It was so hard. I cried while I packed that box to ship off. I cried after I put it into the mail. It broke my heart. It was so final. So in my face but it was my choice. I gave them to them so they would be lovingly used on a beautiful little girl. I had my Step-Sister give them to them in private. There was a gift for her to open at her shower that I bought especially for her. Just felt it was time to finally share this. It's been hard knowing that there is no longer baby girl clothes hanging up in our guest room closet in hopes of having a little girl in this home who will be able to wear them.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Secrets

Wow! September and October were great, awesome months. Received my cycle on time with not intervention, which was WOW!!! moments for me. PRAISE THE LORD! To me that was God. He gave me 2 months with no intervention (shots -- i.e. jump-starts as I call them). That is a blessings, it may seem small to most but to someone who has to spend every month knowing that if their cycle doesn't show with in 35 days, it's off to the doctor's where they will have to take a (depressing --- because it's always negative) pregnancy test (to me it's like a form of torture that I have to go through monthly --- worse than the actual shot by 100's on a pain scale), wait 2 hours in town and then come back to get the shot that I already know in my heart that I will have to have. They have to do that test though, just in case and I respect that, because if a miracle did happen I wouldn't want to be given a progesterone shot that could end in tragedy.This month has not been so WOW! Looks like I will be needing a jump-start this coming week. I haven't been very good with in the year with trying to keep off the weight I lost. I gained back 10lbs of it. I need to get it back off. It was so hard this past summer to get motivated, as it was blistering hot here and to go outside and walk 2x's a day was just hot, draining and tiring to think about let alone do. I do watch the scale and try not to over do it, but it's not always easy. I need to get moving again. I have a secret, but I can't go into because I promised not to. All I can do is ask that if you read this blog, to please pray for an unspoken prayer request for the writer of this blog. As always I put everything in God's Plans and Will for my life. He is ultimately in charge, I put my complete faith and trust in Him as always.  

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Happy yet sad, content yet uncontent

Well yesterday my step-brother and his wife were blessed with their first child,  a daughter. Don't get me wrong, I am so very happy from them. Lately it just seems that because I want a girl and can't have one, everyone around me is having one. It's really hard not to feel as if God is rubbing it in my face. Kinda like hahahahahaha see what I can give to others, but what I wont give to you. I know that God isn't doing that. I am just feeling a little down right now. I thought that I had gotten off of this emotional roller coaster ride finally. That I had accepted the obvious, there is never going to be another baby in my arms that I gave birth to. Darn biological clock is ticking hard it seems lately.
On a good note, this past month I didn't have to go to the doctor for a jump start on my period. It started on it's own and was normal (for once). Praise the Lord for that!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Breaking Heart

I didn't realize how hard I was dealing with things on the inside. My heart is absolutely breaking and I feel like I have no control over my life or my dreams anymore. I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and hide from the world. I feel like a failure as a woman. Not to mention I feel as if no one, who is suppose to, wants to care or understand what I am going through or feeling. I also feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from my family, and act as if everything is hunky dorey. It seems like life just keeps throwing in my face what I can never have. I know I sound like I am having a pity party. Maybe I am. I have given up all hope that any type of a miracle is ever going to take place. I feel like I am being punished and God has deemed me a failure as a mom and that is why I am "bearing this cross". It doesn't help that my husband has been pushing me for the past year to get a hysterectomy and has declared himself to "old" to have another child. It's like my feelings don't matter and never have, like I am just to push them aside and eventually I will just move on and get over them. My heart is breaking on the inside and I just don't know how to mend it correctly. I feel so sad and so lonely..............................................

Friday, July 15, 2011

Why Me?

Seriously why is it always me, who has the encounter with someone who is complaining about their children, being pregnant or their spouse wanting another kid?  Why am I "gripping" about this? Well, it's been a hard week for me. I found out that my step brother (whom I love with all my heart) and his wife are having a little girl in Sept. If you know me, you know that is what I was praying that we would have if we would have gotten pregnant. I can't side step this, I am happy for them but at the same time a wee bit jealous (envious) too. I want to participate in their happiness, share their joy and not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thankfully I can do this from afar as they are in WA state and I am in KS. Anyway, I digress, I was in Gymboree to purchase a baby gift for the baby shower that my step sister will be throwing for them in about 10 days. I picked out what I wanted and took it to the cash register. I commented on how I love their clothes because they last. I said I knew this because the clothes I had purchased from them over the years for my son have been passed down to several other little boys and are still going strong. Well, for some reason this seemed to be an invitation for the sales lady to start in on how she was going to give her child's clothes to someone but her husband said not to, he wanted to try for another child. She said to me "who does he think is going to carry it" and how she wasn't in on this deal and so on. I just gave her a weak smile, said I only had 1 child and that unfortunately for me, another child was not in the cards for us. She didn't get my hints and just kept going on and on about not wanting to be inconvenienced by being pregnant and having another child. How all this idea of having another child was his mother's doing, that he should stop answering the phone and talking to his mother. Seriously??? So I ended up spending most of my check out time listening to yet another person complaining about their blessings (children) and how it was a hassle to be a parent (no she didn't say that but that is how is basically comes across to most women who would give up everything they have just to be able to get pregnant without thinking about it, because their spouse (and they) wanted a baby). Some people just don't think about what other people might be going through before they open their mouths.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Praising God!!

After such an emotional roller coaster over the past year, we finally received (well at least I think so) some good news. While we were on our way to OKC on Friday for a mini-family vacation, my doctor called. She had received the 2nd pathology report. She said that it showed no current signs of a-typia (cancer) and that from what she saw and this pathology report, we didn't have to do a rush hysterectomy (HUGH SIGH of relief) for the time being. However, we could end up right back in the same spot later on down the road. I have to keep very vigilant about getting a monthly "jump start" every 35 days if my cycle doesn't come on it's own. I have to make sure it doesn't start acting up again (heavy, spotty, or so forth). I have to go in at least 1 time a year (more if my cycle starts acting up again) to have the same surgery that I had 3 times this past year. We have to be very watchful and make sure that the uterus lining stays healthy in thickness and so forth. I will eventually have to have a hysterectomy though. I will need it before I hit menopause. I am thinking, I will just plan it for my 40th birthday and then I will have it over with. I would like to keep everything until then, though if possible (God willing). We still can use this time to try and get pregnant if we still wish. DH is pretty set on no due to his age (he's a whopping 43). I have mixed feelings to be very honest at this point, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with all the emotions and disappointments that are sure to come with "trying" again (especially for us, since there are no guarantees). Plus I really was having a hard time these past few weeks with depression, I really considered going to my GFP and asking them to prescribe some kind of antidepressant for me (again).For right now, we aren't going to prevent it from happening but we aren't going to go the extra steps to help insure it happens either. Basically we are leaving it in God's hands and if it happens it was truly meant (and ordained) by HIM to be.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Feelings About Life Right Now

It's hard to grasp knowing that you will definitely get cancer in your lifetime, no mights, maybes or probablies about it. What's even harder to grasp than that is knowing that you can prevent this certain type of cancer with an operation and a removal of an organ. However removing this organ is finalizing not only the possibility of cancer but of ever being able to hold another baby of your own. Knowing that that season of your life will be gone before it's time is up. There will be no more hope for a miracle, the door will be slammed shut on that possibility ever taking place. But even though holding another baby would be a dream, a miracle come true ... is being selfish the right road to take, knowing what it will mean in the future? A hysterectomy seems so final, so end of the road. Yes life will go on, but a hysterectomy changes you forever. You question (even though thousands of women have them every year, some like you who didn't choose that option as a form of birth control but for life and death reasons) will I still be a woman in my husbands eyes? Is it true I could loose my libido? You'll be being thrust into early menopause. Then your mind goes back again to that never held baby, the one of your hearts desire. Is it worth it to slam the door shut and not allow every chance you can for that miracle to take place. Especially when you have been taught and seen with your own eyes God heal others and provide miracles. Then you start to wonder why was I choose to go down this path in life? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I not worthy in God's eyes to be a Mom again? Not to mention this path, this road feels so lonely, so very lonely and frightening. There are days you can't think because it brings tears, deep sadness and anger. You want to shout "WHY ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO?" You think how this disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) can cause so many things that people just don't understand. Weight gain for one, how people look at you and think you are a fat, lazy slob of a person because your overweight. They don't know how you struggle every day with what you see in the mirror. The facial hair, the diabetes, the loss of your hair and then theres the possibilities of getting Endometrial Hyperplasia due to lack of having a monthly cycle on a regular basis because the uterine lining isn't shedding like God intended it too. Then there is the inevitable, dreaded "I" word. Infertility! You go through an emotional roller coaster each and every day, will my cycle come? Am I pregnant? Did it work this month? Not to mention what going through Infertility Treatments will do to you emotionally (let's just forget the cost for now, which can be astronomical). Adoption, that seems to be everyones answer for you. Just adopt. Or even better yet, stop "trying" and you before you know it you'll be pregnant. STOP SAYING THAT TO WOMEN, please I really mean it. It truly is one of the worst things you can say to a woman (or a couple) who has been trying to get pregnant. Also do not mention how if you could trade places with them you would, you know that isn't going to happen (unless you are willing to offer them your uterus and give up the baby you carried for 9 months --- then only say it if this is what you truly are willing to do). While we know you truly aren't meaning harm by your comments, it still hurts and feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart. It hurts! Sometimes a simple hug or a day with a friend (and trying to steer us away from the topic) is the best medicine we can get at the time.
God has a plan (we just have to be willing to accept it and know that He's there (even when it seems no one else is) through it all) and as Laura Story's song Blessings says "Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Long Needed Update

Had my last surgery in Sept, they found that there were still some cysts and the lining was still a little thick. So I had to remain on the progesterone treatments for 3 more months. I was suppose to go in for an in office procedure in Dec 2010 but when I got to the Dr.'s office I was told that she had a family emergency (her little boy was in the hospital -- unexpectedly and had been there for a few days already). They said that they had me scheduled to see another doctor. I asked if it was a male doctor, they said yes. I wasn't happy about it but I said I was going to have to be. They called me in a few minutes later and I guess my face gave me away, they rescheduled the appointment for a few weeks later. Well, we get a snow storm and I get ill the day before the appointment so now it's scheduled for the end of this month. I am praying that the 3rd time is a charm, so to speak. I just want to get it over with but I want to make sure it's with the same doctor I started out with so that I can get some questions I have about the future answered.
Side Note: We've decided not to continue on with fertility treatments because they are 3000 to 4000 dollars a treatment (yes that is just for shots and checks with the doctor) and there is no guarantee of a viable pregnancy. We are just going to put it in God's hands and if it's suppose to be that we have another child God will bless us with the ultimate miracle.