TTC Update

As you know we are trying to get pregnant with number 2. I went to go see my new OBGYN for my yearly exam and she has told me if I don't get pregnant by the end of the treatments of Clomid (I have 3 more left), that we will have to get a Kirk checked out (because of his accident) and make sure nothing is wrong there. If nothing is wrong on his end, then it will be a new type of fertility treatment, shots. This will cause us a much great chance of multiples (even great than the clomid which is twins....occasionally triplets). So I am asking everyone I know to pray that we get pregnant in sometime in the next 3 treatments so we don't have to go to that degree. Shots are as far as we are willing to go in infertility treatments. She does have me doing a few things differently, taking the meds a few days earlier and doing ovulation tests for all of my next cycle to see if we can pin exactly when I am ovulating. Guess we don't all ovulate in the middle of a cycle, some more towards the end, others more towards the beginning and some even get to do it twice in a cycle. Anyway the prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Lonely Mommy

I am feeling quite blue today. I feel so lonely and isolated lately. It isn't like I don't get out either. I take Edward to Kindermusik every Friday and to Bowling every Saturday. I need a friend or two, someone to hang with. I had a couple of friends in OK, that I could do that with but since we moved to Kansas, I have been feeling lonelier than ever. I hate my Social Anxiety Disorder, it keeps me from joining in on things. I am so uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially in larger groups. I always feel like I am being judged and that I am ugly and no one would ever want to be my friend. It is hard for me to jump in to conversations, to even say hi to people, when I feel like I want to. I just clam up. I need prayers, that I can find a few close Christian girlfriends here in Kansas. Someone who is a SAHM and with a child Edwards age, preferably one who understand and accept me for who I am. I have great friends like that but non of them live around here. I know if they did, I wouldn't be writing this post in my blog.

Ovulation Test Fustration

I have been using those Clearblue Ovulation kits for the past 3 days, and I am not getting an ovulation sign at all. I am so fustrated, I am afraid that they aren't doing what they are suppose to and I am ovulating an missing the window when I could be trying to get pregnant. I am praying I get a surge line and soon, if I don't get one this month I am going to be very upset with those test, because I know I should ovulate since I am on the Clomid. ARG!!!! I wish getting pregnant was easier.

2 days and counting.........

Well in about 2 days I should be ovulating. Time to get out the ovulation sticks this time. I hope I can find them, because I need to start checking tomorrow morning. Better look now while I am thinking about it, so that I have them on hand in the morning or else I am going to need to run to the store and get some before I go to bed tonight. I am praying that this will be the time we are successful. I can't wait to be pregnant again, I loved being pregnant with Edward. I know that 2 pregnancies are not alike. So there is no guarantee that this time my pregnancy will be as easy as it was when I was pregnant Edward. Here's to praying for success.

No Such Luck

Well, we're back to the drawing board next weekend on the whole Baby thing. My "friend" came to visit on schedule. So now we try again and we wait, to see if this is the month. You know this really wouldn't be a big deal. I love having sex. Yep, I said that. It is my husband on the other hand who can go literally months without it. It just doesn't seem to bug him. Sometimes I wonder how I could have married a man who hates sex so much when I, a woman, loves it so much. If only you knew certain things before you got married, things wouldn't be such a surprise. Sometimes I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't read me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. I think he is not really attracted to me and sees me more as a maid, child care provider for our son, a laundress, a cook, just not a lover. It can be very depressing at times to think that might have made a mistake and that I have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. Sure I could stop complaining and get a divorce. However since I am a Christian, divorce isn't an answer to this particular problem. Counseling, that would be the way to go, but getting him to admit there is a problem and that we need to see someone is a whole other thing. Sometimes he says things that are quite painful about marriage, things like marriage is a slow and painful death. I try so hard but all he sees is what I don't do. Says I am a bitch and am getting worse. I just don't know what to do at times. I want to scream, runaway, go back 15 years ago and make different choices. But you know you think the grass is always greener on the other side, 99% of the time it is just as green on that side as it was on the other side.....sometimes even a little browner (uglier). I hear about all my friends and how their husbands give them a look, or do things to tell them that they want sex. I just want to cry because my husband has never given me a look or did anything to initiate the sex act. I am usually the aggressor in our relationship. I would just like to feel wanted once in a while. The last time my husband bought me lingerie was for our first Christmas, the Christmas before we were married. Never again since then. I have accepted that my husband isn't Romeo. But how much more should I have to accept. Can lack of sex ruin a marriage? I think so and no I am not a nempho.I just am a woman with a very healthy sex drive. Such is life I guess, don't they say opposites attracted. Well if that is true than he is my opposite in Libido for sure. :0) Sorry it just felt so good to vent that.