What a ride

Since I know no one really reads this blog, probably tired of hearing me drone on and on about PCOS and infertility. I feel I can share about these past 2 months and the roller coaster ride we were on. Boy was it some ride! Let's begin with the big secret that very few know about. We've been back on Clomid since November. Was taking 100mg treatments for 5 days a month. Nothing exciting happened the first 2 months. Cycle started like it should have and so forth. Not in Jan though, 28 days passed with no visit from A.F., pregnancy test -. 35 days passed still no A.F. and a - PG test, so I placed a call to the doctor. Wait another 3 days and then come in for a blood test if still no A.F.. Well, still no A.F., so went in for required blood test. Of course it was -. We thought for sure it would come up +. Felt bloated, crampy, tired, queasy and had several other PG type symptoms. Talk about feeling up, only to be sent crashing down. So they ended up, increasing the treatment another 50mg a day for the 5 days. Now I am taking 6 times what I took to get pregnant with our son. Another downside is that the ovulation tests are not showing a positive. So if, I don't get a positive this month or get pregnant, it'll be into the doctors next month after the treatment to have an vaginal ultra sound to see if I am ovulating. Oh the fun of trying to get PG. Hubby has been a trooper. This month we are trying very hard to stick to the every other day schedule. While this should be the fun part, at times it can feel like a job instead of a pleasure.

No Such Luck

Well, we're back to the drawing board next weekend on the whole Baby thing. My "friend" came to visit on schedule. So now we try again and we wait, to see if this is the month. You know this really wouldn't be a big deal. I love having sex. Yep, I said that. It is my husband on the other hand who can go literally months without it. It just doesn't seem to bug him. Sometimes I wonder how I could have married a man who hates sex so much when I, a woman, loves it so much. If only you knew certain things before you got married, things wouldn't be such a surprise. Sometimes I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't read me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. I think he is not really attracted to me and sees me more as a maid, child care provider for our son, a laundress, a cook, just not a lover. It can be very depressing at times to think that might have made a mistake and that I have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. Sure I could stop complaining and get a divorce. However since I am a Christian, divorce isn't an answer to this particular problem. Counseling, that would be the way to go, but getting him to admit there is a problem and that we need to see someone is a whole other thing. Sometimes he says things that are quite painful about marriage, things like marriage is a slow and painful death. I try so hard but all he sees is what I don't do. Says I am a bitch and am getting worse. I just don't know what to do at times. I want to scream, runaway, go back 15 years ago and make different choices. But you know you think the grass is always greener on the other side, 99% of the time it is just as green on that side as it was on the other side.....sometimes even a little browner (uglier). I hear about all my friends and how their husbands give them a look, or do things to tell them that they want sex. I just want to cry because my husband has never given me a look or did anything to initiate the sex act. I am usually the aggressor in our relationship. I would just like to feel wanted once in a while. The last time my husband bought me lingerie was for our first Christmas, the Christmas before we were married. Never again since then. I have accepted that my husband isn't Romeo. But how much more should I have to accept. Can lack of sex ruin a marriage? I think so and no I am not a nempho.I just am a woman with a very healthy sex drive. Such is life I guess, don't they say opposites attracted. Well if that is true than he is my opposite in Libido for sure. :0) Sorry it just felt so good to vent that.