Me Bad!!!

Wow! I did not realize that it has been over a month since my past blog post. Life has been crazy needless to say. November seemed to have just wizzed by. Where it went I have no idea. Lets catch you up....Edward took Swimming lessons for 2 weeks in mid-November. He absolutely loved it. He showed no fear of the water. He has 2 more Friday Sessions of Kindermusik in December, then the Semester ends. He will be graduating to the Preschool Sessions next semester. Class will be 45 minutes long, 30 without parents and then the last 15 with parents. I am hoping to get a few books read while waiting on him. Thanksgiving was just Kirk, Edward and I. We had an untraditional Thanksgiving dinner, a brown sugar spiral ham, corn on the cob, sweet hawaiian bread, rice, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole and strawberry-rhubarb pie, plus the ever popular variety of pickles, olives, and cranberry sauce. I celebrated my 34th birthday this month too. It was a great birthday, the best one I have had in years. We started the day off by going to church, then to Starbucks for coffee, then took Edward to McDonalds so he could play in their indoor play area, then to Comp-USA for my birthday present, then we went to the bowling alley and bowled 2 games each (Edward got a strike and a spare), then out to dinner at Macaroni Grill. Speaking of bowling. Edward is doing awesome in his Saturday Bowling League. He got 4 spares in the last weeks. We've put up the Christmas trees (the main one and the kid's one), they are both decorated now. We have decorated the front yard, but because of Kirk's accident he is unable to hang the lights on our house so we will have to have someone hired to do it. So far we aren't having any luck getting that done this year. Still trying for baby #2. I have been taking ovulation kit tests for over 2 weeks now, no sign of ovulation yet. Probably will happen this weekend when Kirk is out of town....LOL....isn't that the way it goes?

TTC Update

As you know we are trying to get pregnant with number 2. I went to go see my new OBGYN for my yearly exam and she has told me if I don't get pregnant by the end of the treatments of Clomid (I have 3 more left), that we will have to get a Kirk checked out (because of his accident) and make sure nothing is wrong there. If nothing is wrong on his end, then it will be a new type of fertility treatment, shots. This will cause us a much great chance of multiples (even great than the clomid which is twins....occasionally triplets). So I am asking everyone I know to pray that we get pregnant in sometime in the next 3 treatments so we don't have to go to that degree. Shots are as far as we are willing to go in infertility treatments. She does have me doing a few things differently, taking the meds a few days earlier and doing ovulation tests for all of my next cycle to see if we can pin exactly when I am ovulating. Guess we don't all ovulate in the middle of a cycle, some more towards the end, others more towards the beginning and some even get to do it twice in a cycle. Anyway the prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Lonely Mommy

I am feeling quite blue today. I feel so lonely and isolated lately. It isn't like I don't get out either. I take Edward to Kindermusik every Friday and to Bowling every Saturday. I need a friend or two, someone to hang with. I had a couple of friends in OK, that I could do that with but since we moved to Kansas, I have been feeling lonelier than ever. I hate my Social Anxiety Disorder, it keeps me from joining in on things. I am so uncomfortable around people I don't know, especially in larger groups. I always feel like I am being judged and that I am ugly and no one would ever want to be my friend. It is hard for me to jump in to conversations, to even say hi to people, when I feel like I want to. I just clam up. I need prayers, that I can find a few close Christian girlfriends here in Kansas. Someone who is a SAHM and with a child Edwards age, preferably one who understand and accept me for who I am. I have great friends like that but non of them live around here. I know if they did, I wouldn't be writing this post in my blog.

Ovulation Test Fustration

I have been using those Clearblue Ovulation kits for the past 3 days, and I am not getting an ovulation sign at all. I am so fustrated, I am afraid that they aren't doing what they are suppose to and I am ovulating an missing the window when I could be trying to get pregnant. I am praying I get a surge line and soon, if I don't get one this month I am going to be very upset with those test, because I know I should ovulate since I am on the Clomid. ARG!!!! I wish getting pregnant was easier.

2 days and counting.........

Well in about 2 days I should be ovulating. Time to get out the ovulation sticks this time. I hope I can find them, because I need to start checking tomorrow morning. Better look now while I am thinking about it, so that I have them on hand in the morning or else I am going to need to run to the store and get some before I go to bed tonight. I am praying that this will be the time we are successful. I can't wait to be pregnant again, I loved being pregnant with Edward. I know that 2 pregnancies are not alike. So there is no guarantee that this time my pregnancy will be as easy as it was when I was pregnant Edward. Here's to praying for success.

No Such Luck

Well, we're back to the drawing board next weekend on the whole Baby thing. My "friend" came to visit on schedule. So now we try again and we wait, to see if this is the month. You know this really wouldn't be a big deal. I love having sex. Yep, I said that. It is my husband on the other hand who can go literally months without it. It just doesn't seem to bug him. Sometimes I wonder how I could have married a man who hates sex so much when I, a woman, loves it so much. If only you knew certain things before you got married, things wouldn't be such a surprise. Sometimes I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't read me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. I think he is not really attracted to me and sees me more as a maid, child care provider for our son, a laundress, a cook, just not a lover. It can be very depressing at times to think that might have made a mistake and that I have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. Sure I could stop complaining and get a divorce. However since I am a Christian, divorce isn't an answer to this particular problem. Counseling, that would be the way to go, but getting him to admit there is a problem and that we need to see someone is a whole other thing. Sometimes he says things that are quite painful about marriage, things like marriage is a slow and painful death. I try so hard but all he sees is what I don't do. Says I am a bitch and am getting worse. I just don't know what to do at times. I want to scream, runaway, go back 15 years ago and make different choices. But you know you think the grass is always greener on the other side, 99% of the time it is just as green on that side as it was on the other side.....sometimes even a little browner (uglier). I hear about all my friends and how their husbands give them a look, or do things to tell them that they want sex. I just want to cry because my husband has never given me a look or did anything to initiate the sex act. I am usually the aggressor in our relationship. I would just like to feel wanted once in a while. The last time my husband bought me lingerie was for our first Christmas, the Christmas before we were married. Never again since then. I have accepted that my husband isn't Romeo. But how much more should I have to accept. Can lack of sex ruin a marriage? I think so and no I am not a nempho.I just am a woman with a very healthy sex drive. Such is life I guess, don't they say opposites attracted. Well if that is true than he is my opposite in Libido for sure. :0) Sorry it just felt so good to vent that.

Baby Dancing

Last night we began the pleasure of baby dancing. We are praying that we are successful this month and will be able to announce in a few weeks that we are pregnant. I would be happy to have this done, so I can stop taking the clomid. I have been taking it for about a year now, with the first dose not working like it should, having to adjust the dosage, then Kirk having to move to Kansas while Edward and I stayed behind in Oklahoma, then moving our home to Kansas, unpacking and a 20 day vacation for Edward and I.....has as you can imagine put us behind. Its not that I don't love baby dancing but its more like a chore or task then a pleasure when you have to work to get pregnant. But you know if it was not for my PCOS and difficulty getting pregnant due to the PCOS, I would probably not have given things in my life to God and let him take charge. Because all I have been through, I gave him everything and left it up to him when things would work out for us to start family. 1 yr after I did this, I was blessed with a doctor (who is also a Christian) who knew what was wrong and could tell me why I had such a whacked out, almost non-existent cycle. After that answer, we (Kirk and I) talked about our opitions. After a few years of dragging our feet out of concern and being scared to death things wouldn't work, we gave the Clomid a try. It worked wonderfully for us and I was pregnant just 2 months into taking it. This was a TOTAL GOD MIRACLE. Clomid doesn't usually work that quickly with women with PCOS. Edward is our miracle baby, a blessing from God. We had so many people praying for us to get pregnant, that is why the clomid worked so fast.....the power of prayer. So now 4 yrs after conceiving our son (a little later than we orginally wanted....but was side tracked due to Kirk's accident) we are trying again and putting our faith in God's hands. We are willing to accept his decision no matter what. If we don't concieve by Dec (the date of my last Clomid refill) then we will know that it isn't in God's Will for our family to grow any larger than it is. Yes, I will be a little sad at first but I know that God only wants what is best for us. I have seen Him work so many ways in our lives over the years, that I have no right to question His decisions. He has always been there for us, and done what is right for our family. Living by Faith in Christ is the best decision I could have ever made in my life.

PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was just writing I have a friend with Lupus, and like Lupus, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disease that there is not much known about. So I can understand to some degree what my friend with Lupus faces on a daily, lots of people think she is just faking or is a hypo-conderact. My PCOS has brought me closer to God. It has allowed me to learn so much. My Faith in the Lord is very strong because of it. I was able to work in a day care and to be a nanny for 5 years before God blessed us with a child of our own. I was able to learn patience, important nurturing, unconditional love, and just how to raise a child with love and acceptance for who they are. People say that God doesn't give us diseases or allow bad things to us. Of course He doesn't give us disease but he does allow them to happen to us and other things that will cause trials in our lives. He does it out of love for us not out of hate. He wants us to grow stronger in our faith and walk with him. Sometimes he allows things to happen to put us back in our place. I love Him for this.