The dreaded appointment (that ended up being a phone call instead)

My specialist called this afternoon. You know how you know it's going to happen, you brace yourself for it but you just end up not being strong enough to withstand the force of the blow? That is how that phone call ended up being for me.

As I stated in yesterdays blog post, the biopsy showed that the Endometrial Hyperplasia has returned. The specialist confirmed this today on the phone. She says she feels that it is no longer in my best interest health wise to continue to try for baby #2. She fears that the Endometrial Hyperplasia will turn to full blown uterine cancer while trying for #2. Having a 2nd baby was suppose to prolong my keeping my uterus. Guess it just wasn't in God's plan for either a 2nd baby or the keeping of my uterus any longer. That final door, has been slammed shut in my face.

I keep looking back, regretting decisions. I could have pushed, I should have pushed earlier to start having children. PCOS was still a "new" thing in medicine, even though as I said in previous posts, I believe it has been around for centuries. No one ever in the in the 20 plus years of having female issues (the last 14 years of which were diagnosed as PCOS) did anyone (except my specialist) ever tell me how important it was to my endometrial health to have a MONTHLY cycle. After I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was told once ever 3 to 6 months was healthy for me. Guess what (unless I was on the pill, which I never was) it wasn't. If I had be being given monthly progesterone treatments and had a monthly cycle, it is far less likely that I would be in the situation that I am in today. Yesterday, I googled Endometrial Hyperplasia PCOS and found that PCOS has now been found to drastically increase a woman's chance of uterine cancer. I never heard this before I met with my infertility specialist to try for baby #2. Though one page did offer suggestions on how to "prevent" it, it never mentioned having a monthly cycle was the most important (weight loss, eat less fat, treat your pcos  with progesterone treatments (which should give you your cycle but doesn't state that) and have a yearly pap (which a pap WILL NOT tell you if you have pcos----please don't think that it will)). I can not stress it enough, if you or anyone you know has abnormal cycles. Please seek a specialist, rule out things like PCOS for sure. If you (or they) are diagnosed with PCOS. Find a doctor well versed in it. Do all you can to keep your uterus healthy and make sure that unless you are on the pill you have a monthly cycle. If your doctor says you don't need to have one every month, find a new doctor. This truly is important, I would hate to see anyone with PCOS in my place, especially if they have read this warning. It's no joke.

Do not take for granted that what should be will be. There is no guarantee that woman will be able to become a mother in her lifetime or that a man will be able to father children in his. Take each day 1 at a time. Stand up for what you believe. Fight for what you want will your whole heart, being and soul. Above all accept (even if you can't understand the reasons why) what God gives you and the roads you will travel down in this lifetime. He has an ultimate reason and a purpose (possibly 1 or more of the following): 1. to teach you something   2. to use you to teach someone else something     3. to use you to be there for others who will follow down the same path     No, God doesn't do bad things to us but He can allow them to happen for a lot of reasons. We just need to lean on Him and be prepared to see why we were chosen to endure.

The last thing that I want to say in this post is more of a reminder, You are your own best advocate. NO ONE knows your body as well as you do. If you do not agree with what the doctor is telling you, you have the right to walk out, to "fire" them, to seek a second (and even third, possibly a fourth (or more)) opinion. Never, ever stand for second best when it comes to your body, your health and/or well being in any fashion of the way. Stand up for you, because most likely no one else will do it for you (unless they are paid to do so and even then, they tend to have their own agenda).

Closing this chapter once and for all

Well, the wait for the answer is over. It's a resounding, no! I am not sure which was hard getting my cycle or having to tell my 9 yr old that he'll never have a little brother or sister. He took it so hard. It just broke my heart. He is so sweet and good with little kids. I know he was so wanting to be a big brother. It's just not in God's plans for him or for our family. It's time to move on, close that chapter forever. I will see the specialist sometime this week and we'll go from there. However, I have decided I don't want to take any more treatments .... this was the final no! I can only take so many emotional roller coaster rides, the trying (that leads to arguing because it was so stressful and things didn't always go as planned), the waiting, the pregnancy tests, just to do it all over again the next month. It's wearing. I need to be happy with the blessing/miracle that God gave me in our son .... focus on him and just enjoy my marriage.
I am hoping that I will be able to keep my uterus though for another 5 yrs or so, by getting month progesterone shots and a yearly check on my lining.

Hubby to go for follow up and an update

Hubby goes in on the 11th of July to the Urologist for a follow up on his testosterone levels to see if the Clomid is working for him. From my point of view it is. :0) He went today to have his blood work done, we want (need) his levels to be at least twice (they were 161) what they were last time. Not sure what will happen if they aren't because that is the lowest that they want them at (300), preferably higher. We are unsure how long he can safely remain on the Clomid, for the time being his prescription is 12 months. I am hoping that he can continue to take it for a while longer. I don't want him to go on testosterone treatments because it has adverse effects not to mention we have a son about to hit puberty and are unsure what the side effects could be for him (my understanding is that it actually can permeate through the skin of the user and effect others who are exposed to it daily). We don't want to do anything that could effect him negatively his reproductive future. It's just not worth it in the long run. 
As far as me, I am still not getting a spike on the ovulation kits. However I am crampy during the few days that I should be ovulating. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one. I know if I say something to my fertility specialist, she'll want to start doing costly ultra sounds to see if I am ovulating and that could be up to a couple times a month and insurance doesn't cover it at all. I have a feeling though that it might come to that sooner than later, if we aren't successful. 
We thought for sure (again) that this last month was the month. Had tons of "symptoms", come to find out researching Femara further that a lot of the "symptoms" could also be from it as well as "change of life" symptoms. Great huh? I thought since I was only taking it for 5 days a month, I wouldn't be cursed with the side effects of the Femara. That doesn't seem to be be the issue at all. A nice side effect that seems to be plaguing me (again ---- last time it was from the Megace) is a lot more of my hair coming out. Trying not to let this bother me. It was so hard with the Megace, it took almost 6 months after coming off the Megace for my hair to grow back but not like it was prior to taking it. I guess you have to give a little sometimes to gain something greater. Will it be worth it all in the end, if we are successful? YES!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!

TTC Update

Just wanted to let my readers know, that we had no such luck getting pregnant. The clomid is gone now, we need to get ourselves to the doctor and get more tests done. So we can see where we can go from here, if anywhere. Basically, we have to see where our difficulty is coming from. If it is me, probably just more intense infertility treatments. If it is Kirk (I am especially concerned about it, if something happened due to his accident and how he will handle that info), then I am not sure what the procedures are or if we can even do anything about. However I have decided that we will get the initial tests done, a sperm count basically, and if it isn't him then I think I am going to take the summer off before we start trying again. I want to give my body a rest from all those meds. I also need to have another dye test done (for my PCOS...to see if there are any blockages or cysts) I think, guess I will see what my doctor has to say about this. Will keep you posted.

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution.

I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be.

Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening.

Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian.

I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have.

I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life.

Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say.

God Bless!!!!

No Such Luck

Well, we're back to the drawing board next weekend on the whole Baby thing. My "friend" came to visit on schedule. So now we try again and we wait, to see if this is the month. You know this really wouldn't be a big deal. I love having sex. Yep, I said that. It is my husband on the other hand who can go literally months without it. It just doesn't seem to bug him. Sometimes I wonder how I could have married a man who hates sex so much when I, a woman, loves it so much. If only you knew certain things before you got married, things wouldn't be such a surprise. Sometimes I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't read me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. I think he is not really attracted to me and sees me more as a maid, child care provider for our son, a laundress, a cook, just not a lover. It can be very depressing at times to think that might have made a mistake and that I have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. Sure I could stop complaining and get a divorce. However since I am a Christian, divorce isn't an answer to this particular problem. Counseling, that would be the way to go, but getting him to admit there is a problem and that we need to see someone is a whole other thing. Sometimes he says things that are quite painful about marriage, things like marriage is a slow and painful death. I try so hard but all he sees is what I don't do. Says I am a bitch and am getting worse. I just don't know what to do at times. I want to scream, runaway, go back 15 years ago and make different choices. But you know you think the grass is always greener on the other side, 99% of the time it is just as green on that side as it was on the other side.....sometimes even a little browner (uglier). I hear about all my friends and how their husbands give them a look, or do things to tell them that they want sex. I just want to cry because my husband has never given me a look or did anything to initiate the sex act. I am usually the aggressor in our relationship. I would just like to feel wanted once in a while. The last time my husband bought me lingerie was for our first Christmas, the Christmas before we were married. Never again since then. I have accepted that my husband isn't Romeo. But how much more should I have to accept. Can lack of sex ruin a marriage? I think so and no I am not a nempho.I just am a woman with a very healthy sex drive. Such is life I guess, don't they say opposites attracted. Well if that is true than he is my opposite in Libido for sure. :0) Sorry it just felt so good to vent that.