Over with

        Well on Wednesday the 12th, I had my hysterectomy. I cried during the prep for the operation. I just broke down. I think it started when the first nurse made a comment about "Getting Rid of the Plumbing" like it was no big deal and something that all women my age do. I told her that no, I didn't want this to take place. I wanted another baby. This wasn't my choice. Cancer sucks! I had to stay overnight in the hospital but was able to come home the following morning. So far, I have done nothing but lay around in bed. It's already getting to me. I am not lay around in bed all day long type of person. I am suppose to remain here for at least a few more days. I just might go stir crazy.

Time is Quickly Ticking Away

My hysterectomy is now literally only days away, 4 1/2 to be exact. Sad and scared doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling as we closer to the date of this forever life changing surgery. I think without the Lexapro, I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life right now.  My 9 1/2 yr old son is not taking this well, he gets so upset. He's clingy and will cry at the drop of a hat. It's killing me to see how this is effecting him. He's scared, he's sad too. You also learn just how many friends (and family) you really have at a time like this. I just wish that people took the time to try and understand, this is not a choice and there are no other options for us to expand our family. This surgery will finalize everything for us.

Some events (days) harder then others

Had a hard morning in church, it was baby dedications and to top it off one of the worship singers was very pregnant (not to mention it's exactly 31 days to my hysterectomy). It was like I was being slapped in the face with what I couldn't have or do. I tried to hard to contain my composure. However, I just could not stop the tears from flowing or the heart from feeling broken. Why do something (or days) have to be so hard, so in your face?

Stop thinking you know me!

I am tired of people thinking that they know me and what I am feeling while I am going through this. Only I (and the Lord) truly know me that well, and only He and I know what I am feeling at this point in time. I am tired of people assuming that this was my decision (and acting/treating me like it was), that I elected to have a hysterectomy. No! No! No, I didn't! I didn't choose this for me, I was told & informed that this was the best choice for my health, my body and my life expectancy. If I don't want to chance leaving my young son motherless, than I have to take care of myself. Unfortunately, in order for me to do that, I have to have a hysterectomy. Let me grieve, it's a part of the process. I am not just grieving the loss of my uterus, but more importantly I am grieving the loss of my ever being able to have another child. Even though I am almost 40, it's still possible to have a child as long as you have all the proper parts and you body is producing eggs. So you see dreams are being murdered as far as I am concerned. Yes, I am going to take offense at this time of those who chose to complain about the 500 million children (I know that is an exaggeration --- but hopefully you see what I mean) God has chosen to bless them with. I am going to take offense when you're 8 months pregnant and complaining about just how awful being pregnant for the 100th millionth (I know another exaggeration) time is. I am going to take offense when you can never find a positive thing to say about your children, your spouse, or your marriage. I don't care if you don't like that I am going to be straight forward and tell you just exactly how I am feeling at that time about what you are gripping about, because yes, as far as I am concerned that is exactly what you are doing and how it is coming across to those around you (whether they choose to say so to your face or not, or even worse yet join you in your gripping session). You can pretend that you didn't realize what you were saying was offensive but deep down you know you were complaining and gripping about your blessings. Why am I the one being punished, while all you do is sit back and complain about what God has given you? Granted I haven't walked in your shoes or gone through what you have, but then again you haven't walked in mine either. You can blog about your perfect parenting skills and boast about how wonderful of a parent you are but when you sit there with your peers and choose to do nothing but look at the negative, it makes all your blogging meaningless. If you truly have walked the path of infertility and/or the loose of a pregnancy or child, then you of all people should know to think before you speak. How did you feel when these things were happening to you? Did you like to sit there and listen to people complain about their blessings all the time? Did you just want to tell those around you to stop? I do! My child isn't perfect by any means, but he is my blessing. I choose to look to what he adds to our lives, not takes away from it (which in my book, is nothing). I had over 10 yrs of being childless, to go to spas, shopping trips with the girls, movies and date nights out. He is only going to be a child for such a short time, there will be plenty of time after he is grown up to go get a pedicure, go shopping again with the girls, to go out alone to movies or dinner. He is not an inconvenience in our lives. He is a part of our lives. He makes our lives richer not poorer.

Realizing

I have been thinking about this hysterectomy, the cancer, the PCOS and the Infertility a lot the past few days. I am beginning to realize why I am so heart broken. Justlike anyone with a disease, I wasn't give the choice to have it or not, I just was one of the "lucky" ones who drew the PCOS card that happened to include infertility. Which in turn killed pretty much all my girlhood dreams of being a mother to 4 or more children. I like all people with cancer wasn't give the choice if I would be one touched by this horrible disease or not, unfortunately for me it came as a package deal with the PCOS (unbeknownst to me). The cancer has taken way all my ability to have a say in not only my fertile years as to if I want more children but also in so many other ways. Ways that I am dreading learning about and going through.
I guess my point is that a majority of women who get hysterectomy are usually either doing so electively, are past child bearing years or have all the children that they plan to have. Yes, while I am almost 40, I am still in my child bearing years and probably would have had another 10 to 15 years left based on my family history. So see it essence something is being stolen from me. I actually will have to go through a grieving process, as if someone dear to me died. Isn't that strange to think of someone grieving the loss of their uterus? I just keep reminding myself that there is a bigger plan and that at least I was blessed with 1 child as there are so many women out there who never even be able to know what it is like to have even 1 child. I am trying to remember to count my blessings, not my losses.

Not So Quick

Well, my DH threw me a curve ball after I had started to accept that we were at the end of our journey. He feels that we should do as we originally decided and keep trying until the end of the year. My specialist agrees with him, she really feels that having a baby is the healthiest choice for me (compared to a hysterectomy ... it would give me up to 3 more years with my uterus putting me at about 43 instead of 40). I saw her yesterday, she said that the lining is indeed on the thick side and there were some polyps present. So I am off again to have another hysteroscopy in the next week or two. After that, if the results of the surgery deems it safe, we will continue on with try. We'll be changing from just doing femara, to doing femara, with monitoring via vaginal ultrasounds for follicles followed by an ovidrel shot. Now to the sad news, my specialist (and I) feel that there was success last month but it didn't become a viable pregnancy. Last Saturday I was plagued with the worst cramping and back pains, I have experienced (except for the other time it was thought that I had miscarried, clear back in 95). Given that info, and other info she felt that it was highly probable that a miscarriage took place. My DH (bless his heart) says that even though this is sad, at least it's a positive because we know that we can accomplish conception....now to try and accomplish a viable pregnancy.

Closing this chapter once and for all

Well, the wait for the answer is over. It's a resounding, no! I am not sure which was hard getting my cycle or having to tell my 9 yr old that he'll never have a little brother or sister. He took it so hard. It just broke my heart. He is so sweet and good with little kids. I know he was so wanting to be a big brother. It's just not in God's plans for him or for our family. It's time to move on, close that chapter forever. I will see the specialist sometime this week and we'll go from there. However, I have decided I don't want to take any more treatments .... this was the final no! I can only take so many emotional roller coaster rides, the trying (that leads to arguing because it was so stressful and things didn't always go as planned), the waiting, the pregnancy tests, just to do it all over again the next month. It's wearing. I need to be happy with the blessing/miracle that God gave me in our son .... focus on him and just enjoy my marriage.
I am hoping that I will be able to keep my uterus though for another 5 yrs or so, by getting month progesterone shots and a yearly check on my lining.

Giving Up The Dream

I never shared this before on my blog but back in July when my Step-Sister was throwing a baby shower for my Step-Sister-In-Law, I gave up all the beautiful baby girl clothes that I had been collecting and storing in hopes that I would have a little girl to put them on. It was so hard. I cried while I packed that box to ship off. I cried after I put it into the mail. It broke my heart. It was so final. So in my face but it was my choice. I gave them to them so they would be lovingly used on a beautiful little girl. I had my Step-Sister give them to them in private. There was a gift for her to open at her shower that I bought especially for her. Just felt it was time to finally share this. It's been hard knowing that there is no longer baby girl clothes hanging up in our guest room closet in hopes of having a little girl in this home who will be able to wear them.

Secrets

Wow! September and October were great, awesome months. Received my cycle on time with not intervention, which was WOW!!! moments for me. PRAISE THE LORD! To me that was God. He gave me 2 months with no intervention (shots -- i.e. jump-starts as I call them). That is a blessings, it may seem small to most but to someone who has to spend every month knowing that if their cycle doesn't show with in 35 days, it's off to the doctor's where they will have to take a (depressing --- because it's always negative) pregnancy test (to me it's like a form of torture that I have to go through monthly --- worse than the actual shot by 100's on a pain scale), wait 2 hours in town and then come back to get the shot that I already know in my heart that I will have to have. They have to do that test though, just in case and I respect that, because if a miracle did happen I wouldn't want to be given a progesterone shot that could end in tragedy.This month has not been so WOW! Looks like I will be needing a jump-start this coming week. I haven't been very good with in the year with trying to keep off the weight I lost. I gained back 10lbs of it. I need to get it back off. It was so hard this past summer to get motivated, as it was blistering hot here and to go outside and walk 2x's a day was just hot, draining and tiring to think about let alone do. I do watch the scale and try not to over do it, but it's not always easy. I need to get moving again. I have a secret, but I can't go into because I promised not to. All I can do is ask that if you read this blog, to please pray for an unspoken prayer request for the writer of this blog. As always I put everything in God's Plans and Will for my life. He is ultimately in charge, I put my complete faith and trust in Him as always.  

Long Needed Update

Had my last surgery in Sept, they found that there were still some cysts and the lining was still a little thick. So I had to remain on the progesterone treatments for 3 more months. I was suppose to go in for an in office procedure in Dec 2010 but when I got to the Dr.'s office I was told that she had a family emergency (her little boy was in the hospital -- unexpectedly and had been there for a few days already). They said that they had me scheduled to see another doctor. I asked if it was a male doctor, they said yes. I wasn't happy about it but I said I was going to have to be. They called me in a few minutes later and I guess my face gave me away, they rescheduled the appointment for a few weeks later. Well, we get a snow storm and I get ill the day before the appointment so now it's scheduled for the end of this month. I am praying that the 3rd time is a charm, so to speak. I just want to get it over with but I want to make sure it's with the same doctor I started out with so that I can get some questions I have about the future answered.
Side Note: We've decided not to continue on with fertility treatments because they are 3000 to 4000 dollars a treatment (yes that is just for shots and checks with the doctor) and there is no guarantee of a viable pregnancy. We are just going to put it in God's hands and if it's suppose to be that we have another child God will bless us with the ultimate miracle.

Here We Go!

Just wanted to give an update that we (well I) officially started Clomid today! Please keep us in your prayers during this time. I go back to see my OBGYN in June, if nothing by then, not sure if she will up me to a higher dosage or what.

Still Trying for Number 2

Just a quick note to let you know that we are still trying for baby number 2. I had to go in a week ago today and have a sonogram done. It wasn't to see if everything was alright for us to have another baby but because I was having very bad stomach pains and issues. All is well it turns out besides some cysts in both ovaries but that goes with having PCOS and they will come and go all time. So I have been given a clean bill of health and my stomach issues were related to the cyst bursting. Since all is well there, we decided to quit dragging our feet and get Kirk into the doctors to have the count done that he needs to get done, in order for us to continue on with fertility treatments. Since he had severe bruising from his accident we aren't sure if there was damage done or not, that could be causing us not to be able to get pregnant with number 2. So I am asking that everyone keep Kirk in your prayers Wednesday, June 18th, that he will be able to produce a sample and they will be able to get a good count from him (thus showing nothing wrong). Also please pray that if nothing is wrong and that if it is God's Will for our family, that we will concieve baby number 2 soon and have a healthy pregnancy. I let you know the results of Kirks test.

Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have hair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People stare at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section. (please note this is just the short list of other ailments and side effects a woman can suffer with PCOS). (NOTE: added 6/30/11 if you are a woman with PCOS and don't have a regular monthly mense (especially if it last longer than a week or an unusually heavy flow) consult your doctor (keep pushing them if you have too) to find out what is going on. This could be a sign of something more serious with PCOS. Sorry don't want to freak you out but it's serious enough to put this warning on here. Even if you don't have PCOS and one of these issues arise, consult your doctor (especially if it continues over a duration of time).

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE

TTC Update

Just wanted to let my readers know, that we had no such luck getting pregnant. The clomid is gone now, we need to get ourselves to the doctor and get more tests done. So we can see where we can go from here, if anywhere. Basically, we have to see where our difficulty is coming from. If it is me, probably just more intense infertility treatments. If it is Kirk (I am especially concerned about it, if something happened due to his accident and how he will handle that info), then I am not sure what the procedures are or if we can even do anything about. However I have decided that we will get the initial tests done, a sperm count basically, and if it isn't him then I think I am going to take the summer off before we start trying again. I want to give my body a rest from all those meds. I also need to have another dye test done (for my PCOS...to see if there are any blockages or cysts) I think, guess I will see what my doctor has to say about this. Will keep you posted.

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution.

I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be.

Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening.

Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian.

I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have.

I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life.

Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say.

God Bless!!!!

What's Up In The Thompson Household

Spring is upon us. We are extremely busy getting things ready in the yard for a Landscaper. We will be having a Landscaping Architect come out and draw up plans for our yard in April. We need to also have the lawn reseeded. We need a type of lawn that agrees with shade. I am not a green thumb person but I want a beautiful yard to enjoy, and some great curb appeal in the front of the house. I think how a yard is kept says a lot about the people in the house.
Also looking into having the Kitchen redone. This house has only 1 small counter in the kitchen, limited cupboard space, a small v shaped pantry and you have to walk around a wall to get the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. It always looks like the kitchen exploded because it just isn't user friendly. We have 2 choices we can either widen out the current kitchen costly but reasonable in my mind, or turn the added on down stairs master bedroom that we use as a playroom/theater room/family room into the new kitchen and relocate that room into the old kitchen (much smaller).
Edwards 4th Birthday is just 1month and 3 weeks (about) away. He is so excited. He is going to have a Lightening McQueen Party. We aren't sure where we are going to have it but we have a few more weeks before I need to send out the invites. He is very excited and asks every day if today is his birthday. Mommy doesn't want it to come so quickly.
Edward is going to be dedicated at Church this coming Sunday. He is going to where a cute little navy sailor suit complete with hat. Hope to get some great pictures. We have been meaning to get this done but hadn't found a Church. Well, PTL, God has blessed us with an awesome Church and Church family. I love going every week. I even go when Kirk is out of town which with my social anxiety is a big deal.
We are still working on baby #2. Looks like we will have to go back into the doctors for some tests and depending what the tests say, it could be fertility shots for me....this scares me because it means multiples. Not sure if I am a good enough mommy to handle more than one baby and a preschooler alone all day long. I want a little Girl so bad, but at this point I will take a little boy too. I just need to have faith that God is hearing my prayers. I also have to remember I have to accept His Will for me and my family, it is quite possible another child is not in his plans for us at this time or at all. I do believe that God gave us science though and that we should use the medical help that he has supplied us with. Sometimes Faith is a hard thing to have, especially when you need it the most.

Will post more later. God Bless!

Me Bad!!!

Wow! I did not realize that it has been over a month since my past blog post. Life has been crazy needless to say. November seemed to have just wizzed by. Where it went I have no idea. Lets catch you up....Edward took Swimming lessons for 2 weeks in mid-November. He absolutely loved it. He showed no fear of the water. He has 2 more Friday Sessions of Kindermusik in December, then the Semester ends. He will be graduating to the Preschool Sessions next semester. Class will be 45 minutes long, 30 without parents and then the last 15 with parents. I am hoping to get a few books read while waiting on him. Thanksgiving was just Kirk, Edward and I. We had an untraditional Thanksgiving dinner, a brown sugar spiral ham, corn on the cob, sweet hawaiian bread, rice, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole and strawberry-rhubarb pie, plus the ever popular variety of pickles, olives, and cranberry sauce. I celebrated my 34th birthday this month too. It was a great birthday, the best one I have had in years. We started the day off by going to church, then to Starbucks for coffee, then took Edward to McDonalds so he could play in their indoor play area, then to Comp-USA for my birthday present, then we went to the bowling alley and bowled 2 games each (Edward got a strike and a spare), then out to dinner at Macaroni Grill. Speaking of bowling. Edward is doing awesome in his Saturday Bowling League. He got 4 spares in the last weeks. We've put up the Christmas trees (the main one and the kid's one), they are both decorated now. We have decorated the front yard, but because of Kirk's accident he is unable to hang the lights on our house so we will have to have someone hired to do it. So far we aren't having any luck getting that done this year. Still trying for baby #2. I have been taking ovulation kit tests for over 2 weeks now, no sign of ovulation yet. Probably will happen this weekend when Kirk is out of town....LOL....isn't that the way it goes?

No Such Luck

Well, we're back to the drawing board next weekend on the whole Baby thing. My "friend" came to visit on schedule. So now we try again and we wait, to see if this is the month. You know this really wouldn't be a big deal. I love having sex. Yep, I said that. It is my husband on the other hand who can go literally months without it. It just doesn't seem to bug him. Sometimes I wonder how I could have married a man who hates sex so much when I, a woman, loves it so much. If only you knew certain things before you got married, things wouldn't be such a surprise. Sometimes I feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Don't read me wrong, I LOVE my husband with all my heart. I think he is not really attracted to me and sees me more as a maid, child care provider for our son, a laundress, a cook, just not a lover. It can be very depressing at times to think that might have made a mistake and that I have no choice but to live with it for the rest of my life. Sure I could stop complaining and get a divorce. However since I am a Christian, divorce isn't an answer to this particular problem. Counseling, that would be the way to go, but getting him to admit there is a problem and that we need to see someone is a whole other thing. Sometimes he says things that are quite painful about marriage, things like marriage is a slow and painful death. I try so hard but all he sees is what I don't do. Says I am a bitch and am getting worse. I just don't know what to do at times. I want to scream, runaway, go back 15 years ago and make different choices. But you know you think the grass is always greener on the other side, 99% of the time it is just as green on that side as it was on the other side.....sometimes even a little browner (uglier). I hear about all my friends and how their husbands give them a look, or do things to tell them that they want sex. I just want to cry because my husband has never given me a look or did anything to initiate the sex act. I am usually the aggressor in our relationship. I would just like to feel wanted once in a while. The last time my husband bought me lingerie was for our first Christmas, the Christmas before we were married. Never again since then. I have accepted that my husband isn't Romeo. But how much more should I have to accept. Can lack of sex ruin a marriage? I think so and no I am not a nempho.I just am a woman with a very healthy sex drive. Such is life I guess, don't they say opposites attracted. Well if that is true than he is my opposite in Libido for sure. :0) Sorry it just felt so good to vent that.

PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was just writing I have a friend with Lupus, and like Lupus, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disease that there is not much known about. So I can understand to some degree what my friend with Lupus faces on a daily, lots of people think she is just faking or is a hypo-conderact. My PCOS has brought me closer to God. It has allowed me to learn so much. My Faith in the Lord is very strong because of it. I was able to work in a day care and to be a nanny for 5 years before God blessed us with a child of our own. I was able to learn patience, important nurturing, unconditional love, and just how to raise a child with love and acceptance for who they are. People say that God doesn't give us diseases or allow bad things to us. Of course He doesn't give us disease but he does allow them to happen to us and other things that will cause trials in our lives. He does it out of love for us not out of hate. He wants us to grow stronger in our faith and walk with him. Sometimes he allows things to happen to put us back in our place. I love Him for this.