Realizing

I have been thinking about this hysterectomy, the cancer, the PCOS and the Infertility a lot the past few days. I am beginning to realize why I am so heart broken. Justlike anyone with a disease, I wasn't give the choice to have it or not, I just was one of the "lucky" ones who drew the PCOS card that happened to include infertility. Which in turn killed pretty much all my girlhood dreams of being a mother to 4 or more children. I like all people with cancer wasn't give the choice if I would be one touched by this horrible disease or not, unfortunately for me it came as a package deal with the PCOS (unbeknownst to me). The cancer has taken way all my ability to have a say in not only my fertile years as to if I want more children but also in so many other ways. Ways that I am dreading learning about and going through.
I guess my point is that a majority of women who get hysterectomy are usually either doing so electively, are past child bearing years or have all the children that they plan to have. Yes, while I am almost 40, I am still in my child bearing years and probably would have had another 10 to 15 years left based on my family history. So see it essence something is being stolen from me. I actually will have to go through a grieving process, as if someone dear to me died. Isn't that strange to think of someone grieving the loss of their uterus? I just keep reminding myself that there is a bigger plan and that at least I was blessed with 1 child as there are so many women out there who never even be able to know what it is like to have even 1 child. I am trying to remember to count my blessings, not my losses.

Secrets

Wow! September and October were great, awesome months. Received my cycle on time with not intervention, which was WOW!!! moments for me. PRAISE THE LORD! To me that was God. He gave me 2 months with no intervention (shots -- i.e. jump-starts as I call them). That is a blessings, it may seem small to most but to someone who has to spend every month knowing that if their cycle doesn't show with in 35 days, it's off to the doctor's where they will have to take a (depressing --- because it's always negative) pregnancy test (to me it's like a form of torture that I have to go through monthly --- worse than the actual shot by 100's on a pain scale), wait 2 hours in town and then come back to get the shot that I already know in my heart that I will have to have. They have to do that test though, just in case and I respect that, because if a miracle did happen I wouldn't want to be given a progesterone shot that could end in tragedy.This month has not been so WOW! Looks like I will be needing a jump-start this coming week. I haven't been very good with in the year with trying to keep off the weight I lost. I gained back 10lbs of it. I need to get it back off. It was so hard this past summer to get motivated, as it was blistering hot here and to go outside and walk 2x's a day was just hot, draining and tiring to think about let alone do. I do watch the scale and try not to over do it, but it's not always easy. I need to get moving again. I have a secret, but I can't go into because I promised not to. All I can do is ask that if you read this blog, to please pray for an unspoken prayer request for the writer of this blog. As always I put everything in God's Plans and Will for my life. He is ultimately in charge, I put my complete faith and trust in Him as always.  

Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Baby Dancing

Last night we began the pleasure of baby dancing. We are praying that we are successful this month and will be able to announce in a few weeks that we are pregnant. I would be happy to have this done, so I can stop taking the clomid. I have been taking it for about a year now, with the first dose not working like it should, having to adjust the dosage, then Kirk having to move to Kansas while Edward and I stayed behind in Oklahoma, then moving our home to Kansas, unpacking and a 20 day vacation for Edward and I.....has as you can imagine put us behind. Its not that I don't love baby dancing but its more like a chore or task then a pleasure when you have to work to get pregnant. But you know if it was not for my PCOS and difficulty getting pregnant due to the PCOS, I would probably not have given things in my life to God and let him take charge. Because all I have been through, I gave him everything and left it up to him when things would work out for us to start family. 1 yr after I did this, I was blessed with a doctor (who is also a Christian) who knew what was wrong and could tell me why I had such a whacked out, almost non-existent cycle. After that answer, we (Kirk and I) talked about our opitions. After a few years of dragging our feet out of concern and being scared to death things wouldn't work, we gave the Clomid a try. It worked wonderfully for us and I was pregnant just 2 months into taking it. This was a TOTAL GOD MIRACLE. Clomid doesn't usually work that quickly with women with PCOS. Edward is our miracle baby, a blessing from God. We had so many people praying for us to get pregnant, that is why the clomid worked so fast.....the power of prayer. So now 4 yrs after conceiving our son (a little later than we orginally wanted....but was side tracked due to Kirk's accident) we are trying again and putting our faith in God's hands. We are willing to accept his decision no matter what. If we don't concieve by Dec (the date of my last Clomid refill) then we will know that it isn't in God's Will for our family to grow any larger than it is. Yes, I will be a little sad at first but I know that God only wants what is best for us. I have seen Him work so many ways in our lives over the years, that I have no right to question His decisions. He has always been there for us, and done what is right for our family. Living by Faith in Christ is the best decision I could have ever made in my life.