Breaking Heart

I didn't realize how hard I was dealing with things on the inside. My heart is absolutely breaking and I feel like I have no control over my life or my dreams anymore. I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and hide from the world. I feel like a failure as a woman. Not to mention I feel as if no one, who is suppose to, wants to care or understand what I am going through or feeling. I also feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from my family, and act as if everything is hunky dorey. It seems like life just keeps throwing in my face what I can never have. I know I sound like I am having a pity party. Maybe I am. I have given up all hope that any type of a miracle is ever going to take place. I feel like I am being punished and God has deemed me a failure as a mom and that is why I am "bearing this cross". It doesn't help that my husband has been pushing me for the past year to get a hysterectomy and has declared himself to "old" to have another child. It's like my feelings don't matter and never have, like I am just to push them aside and eventually I will just move on and get over them. My heart is breaking on the inside and I just don't know how to mend it correctly. I feel so sad and so lonely..............................................

Why Me?

Seriously why is it always me, who has the encounter with someone who is complaining about their children, being pregnant or their spouse wanting another kid?  Why am I "gripping" about this? Well, it's been a hard week for me. I found out that my step brother (whom I love with all my heart) and his wife are having a little girl in Sept. If you know me, you know that is what I was praying that we would have if we would have gotten pregnant. I can't side step this, I am happy for them but at the same time a wee bit jealous (envious) too. I want to participate in their happiness, share their joy and not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thankfully I can do this from afar as they are in WA state and I am in KS. Anyway, I digress, I was in Gymboree to purchase a baby gift for the baby shower that my step sister will be throwing for them in about 10 days. I picked out what I wanted and took it to the cash register. I commented on how I love their clothes because they last. I said I knew this because the clothes I had purchased from them over the years for my son have been passed down to several other little boys and are still going strong. Well, for some reason this seemed to be an invitation for the sales lady to start in on how she was going to give her child's clothes to someone but her husband said not to, he wanted to try for another child. She said to me "who does he think is going to carry it" and how she wasn't in on this deal and so on. I just gave her a weak smile, said I only had 1 child and that unfortunately for me, another child was not in the cards for us. She didn't get my hints and just kept going on and on about not wanting to be inconvenienced by being pregnant and having another child. How all this idea of having another child was his mother's doing, that he should stop answering the phone and talking to his mother. Seriously??? So I ended up spending most of my check out time listening to yet another person complaining about their blessings (children) and how it was a hassle to be a parent (no she didn't say that but that is how is basically comes across to most women who would give up everything they have just to be able to get pregnant without thinking about it, because their spouse (and they) wanted a baby). Some people just don't think about what other people might be going through before they open their mouths.

Praising God!!

After such an emotional roller coaster over the past year, we finally received (well at least I think so) some good news. While we were on our way to OKC on Friday for a mini-family vacation, my doctor called. She had received the 2nd pathology report. She said that it showed no current signs of a-typia (cancer) and that from what she saw and this pathology report, we didn't have to do a rush hysterectomy (HUGH SIGH of relief) for the time being. However, we could end up right back in the same spot later on down the road. I have to keep very vigilant about getting a monthly "jump start" every 35 days if my cycle doesn't come on it's own. I have to make sure it doesn't start acting up again (heavy, spotty, or so forth). I have to go in at least 1 time a year (more if my cycle starts acting up again) to have the same surgery that I had 3 times this past year. We have to be very watchful and make sure that the uterus lining stays healthy in thickness and so forth. I will eventually have to have a hysterectomy though. I will need it before I hit menopause. I am thinking, I will just plan it for my 40th birthday and then I will have it over with. I would like to keep everything until then, though if possible (God willing). We still can use this time to try and get pregnant if we still wish. DH is pretty set on no due to his age (he's a whopping 43). I have mixed feelings to be very honest at this point, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with all the emotions and disappointments that are sure to come with "trying" again (especially for us, since there are no guarantees). Plus I really was having a hard time these past few weeks with depression, I really considered going to my GFP and asking them to prescribe some kind of antidepressant for me (again).For right now, we aren't going to prevent it from happening but we aren't going to go the extra steps to help insure it happens either. Basically we are leaving it in God's hands and if it happens it was truly meant (and ordained) by HIM to be.