Over with

        Well on Wednesday the 12th, I had my hysterectomy. I cried during the prep for the operation. I just broke down. I think it started when the first nurse made a comment about "Getting Rid of the Plumbing" like it was no big deal and something that all women my age do. I told her that no, I didn't want this to take place. I wanted another baby. This wasn't my choice. Cancer sucks! I had to stay overnight in the hospital but was able to come home the following morning. So far, I have done nothing but lay around in bed. It's already getting to me. I am not lay around in bed all day long type of person. I am suppose to remain here for at least a few more days. I just might go stir crazy.

Time is Quickly Ticking Away

My hysterectomy is now literally only days away, 4 1/2 to be exact. Sad and scared doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling as we closer to the date of this forever life changing surgery. I think without the Lexapro, I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life right now.  My 9 1/2 yr old son is not taking this well, he gets so upset. He's clingy and will cry at the drop of a hat. It's killing me to see how this is effecting him. He's scared, he's sad too. You also learn just how many friends (and family) you really have at a time like this. I just wish that people took the time to try and understand, this is not a choice and there are no other options for us to expand our family. This surgery will finalize everything for us.

Date for surgery set

Well, I received my appointment information in the mail this afternoon. Who know that opening a packet from a hospital could make one burst into uncontrollable crying. I am sure though it happens far more than most think that it does. Sometimes they are tears of great joy but most often probably tears of anguish, as mine were. It's like it's now chiseled in stone, nothing short of a MIRACLE is going to stop it from happening. It's so final. It doesn't help that I am feeling lack of support from certain family members (no, it's not my husband). I don't want to get any further into that can of worms, so I will just leave it at that. 
I will be having the Da Vinci (robotic) hysterectomy. Unfortunately, I do have to have the cervix taken at the same time. I was hoping that this wasn't the case. However the cervix is part of the endometrial system, therefore, there could be traces of the the Endometrial Hyperplasia in the cervix itself. Which if it isn't removed now could turn into to cervix cancer and require a 2nd surgery or worse. Kind of like playing Russian Roulette with your life and health. So, they will be taking the uterus and the cervix. Unless they find something wrong with the ovaries, they will be leaving them. That way I wont be sent into immediate and early menopause. They will not do a traditional hysterectomy unless there is an emergency, like they nick the bladder or the colon and need to make repairs. This will most likely be an out patient surgery, that is unless they nick something and need to do a more invasive surgery, I loose more blood than I am suppose to (1/2 a cup is about the normal blood loss for the this type of surgery), and/or I have a negative reaction to the anesthesia. 
Not exactly the way I was wanting this journey to end, but I guess at least it is coming to an end. I am sure however, I am far from being off the emotional roller coaster, just will be riding a different kind for a while. 

Appointment with the Oncologist

Today was my appointment with the gynecological oncologist. After a brief visit and exam, I was told I was a good canidate for a robotic hysterectomy. It'll be sometime around mid-Dec. Until I will remain on the Megace to keep the Endometerial Hyperplasia from progressing into full blown uterine cancer. So the wheels have been set into motion, short of a miracle it'll happen.

Latest Biopsy Result

Please note this is information that was given to me this morning from my Gyno and not my specialist. Since the Gyno, didn't have anything to do with the biopsy surgery, they are only going by the paper work that they received a copy of from my specialist. So I only have the brief bit of information that I was given by them.

The biopsy came back showing that the Endometerial Hyperplasia has returned. What this exactly means, I don't know. It could be, it's back to where I was in 2010 or it could be now at the A-Typia level (meaning uterine cancer). I have a post-opt follow up with my specialist on Thursday. I will know more then. However, I can tell you I feel resigned to the fact that a hysterectomy is in my near future .... most likely by the end of this year. Chance for baby number 2, dropping drastically .... becoming just a silly whim.

In a strange way I am relieved to have this over with but in another I am breaking in my heart. I hate all this teetering between emotions that I have been experiencing since this all began. I am just ready to accept whatever it is that I am suppose to accept. I realize that I have been given this "cross" to bear by God for a reason, now just to figure out why and how to use it to His Glory.

Will post a more detailed update sometime after I see the specialist on Thursday. It may take me a few day to process and accept what I am told ( I know I just said I was relieved .... see what I mean by teetering between emotions?).

More Tests and Changes

Had a one on one with my Infertility Specialist (I.F. Specialist) this morning. DH needs to give a new Semen Analysis (S.A.) and some blood work done to check certain hormones. If the hormones test low then they want to put him on Clomid (it helps men to manufacture testosterone naturally ---- he just had a testosterone test done, which showed low levels (which is an issue we have dealt with in the past)).  I will be going off of Clomid and onto Famara, instead. We also set a time (the beginning of 2013) for a hysterectomy if that we are unsuccessful. The Famara is to help increase our chances, it has shown a higher success rate with PCOS women then Clomid does.

The Count Down Begins

Well, it's begun, the count down to the hysterectomy. Barring any miracles or emergencies, I will be having a hysterectomy at the end of 2012. It's so final. No, that doesn't mean that I will not have PCOS. I still will, even if they took my ovaries too. At this point though, the plan is just for the uterus to prevent the hyperplasia from coming back and turning into cancer. The chances of that are astronomical, so I have to have this done ... no choice, especially since those chances will increase dramatically when I hit menopause. If a miracle happened and I were to get pregnant then I could put off the hysterectomy until after I was done breastfeeding, since pregnancy and breastfeeding increase the progesterone levels in the body. Which would keep the hyperplasia at bay. Now, I know you are going but what does emergencies have to do with this, well if no miracle happens I have to go in around June/July (or so) and have another surgery, where they will scrap and check my lining. If they find that it's thickened back up and get A-typia (positive for cancer) results back, then I will have an immediate hysterectomy. I do have to say that the thought of a hysterectomy scares me, I have heard so many horrors about them. One is that you loose your mojo, I don't want to loose mine ... I love that for a woman I have an exteremly healthy one. I read though that it's actually do to the PCOS in part. Hey at least there is a plus side to it. :0)

Praising God!!

After such an emotional roller coaster over the past year, we finally received (well at least I think so) some good news. While we were on our way to OKC on Friday for a mini-family vacation, my doctor called. She had received the 2nd pathology report. She said that it showed no current signs of a-typia (cancer) and that from what she saw and this pathology report, we didn't have to do a rush hysterectomy (HUGH SIGH of relief) for the time being. However, we could end up right back in the same spot later on down the road. I have to keep very vigilant about getting a monthly "jump start" every 35 days if my cycle doesn't come on it's own. I have to make sure it doesn't start acting up again (heavy, spotty, or so forth). I have to go in at least 1 time a year (more if my cycle starts acting up again) to have the same surgery that I had 3 times this past year. We have to be very watchful and make sure that the uterus lining stays healthy in thickness and so forth. I will eventually have to have a hysterectomy though. I will need it before I hit menopause. I am thinking, I will just plan it for my 40th birthday and then I will have it over with. I would like to keep everything until then, though if possible (God willing). We still can use this time to try and get pregnant if we still wish. DH is pretty set on no due to his age (he's a whopping 43). I have mixed feelings to be very honest at this point, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with all the emotions and disappointments that are sure to come with "trying" again (especially for us, since there are no guarantees). Plus I really was having a hard time these past few weeks with depression, I really considered going to my GFP and asking them to prescribe some kind of antidepressant for me (again).For right now, we aren't going to prevent it from happening but we aren't going to go the extra steps to help insure it happens either. Basically we are leaving it in God's hands and if it happens it was truly meant (and ordained) by HIM to be.

Feelings About Life Right Now

It's hard to grasp knowing that you will definitely get cancer in your lifetime, no mights, maybes or probablies about it. What's even harder to grasp than that is knowing that you can prevent this certain type of cancer with an operation and a removal of an organ. However removing this organ is finalizing not only the possibility of cancer but of ever being able to hold another baby of your own. Knowing that that season of your life will be gone before it's time is up. There will be no more hope for a miracle, the door will be slammed shut on that possibility ever taking place. But even though holding another baby would be a dream, a miracle come true ... is being selfish the right road to take, knowing what it will mean in the future? A hysterectomy seems so final, so end of the road. Yes life will go on, but a hysterectomy changes you forever. You question (even though thousands of women have them every year, some like you who didn't choose that option as a form of birth control but for life and death reasons) will I still be a woman in my husbands eyes? Is it true I could loose my libido? You'll be being thrust into early menopause. Then your mind goes back again to that never held baby, the one of your hearts desire. Is it worth it to slam the door shut and not allow every chance you can for that miracle to take place. Especially when you have been taught and seen with your own eyes God heal others and provide miracles. Then you start to wonder why was I choose to go down this path in life? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I not worthy in God's eyes to be a Mom again? Not to mention this path, this road feels so lonely, so very lonely and frightening. There are days you can't think because it brings tears, deep sadness and anger. You want to shout "WHY ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO?" You think how this disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) can cause so many things that people just don't understand. Weight gain for one, how people look at you and think you are a fat, lazy slob of a person because your overweight. They don't know how you struggle every day with what you see in the mirror. The facial hair, the diabetes, the loss of your hair and then theres the possibilities of getting Endometrial Hyperplasia due to lack of having a monthly cycle on a regular basis because the uterine lining isn't shedding like God intended it too. Then there is the inevitable, dreaded "I" word. Infertility! You go through an emotional roller coaster each and every day, will my cycle come? Am I pregnant? Did it work this month? Not to mention what going through Infertility Treatments will do to you emotionally (let's just forget the cost for now, which can be astronomical). Adoption, that seems to be everyones answer for you. Just adopt. Or even better yet, stop "trying" and you before you know it you'll be pregnant. STOP SAYING THAT TO WOMEN, please I really mean it. It truly is one of the worst things you can say to a woman (or a couple) who has been trying to get pregnant. Also do not mention how if you could trade places with them you would, you know that isn't going to happen (unless you are willing to offer them your uterus and give up the baby you carried for 9 months --- then only say it if this is what you truly are willing to do). While we know you truly aren't meaning harm by your comments, it still hurts and feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart. It hurts! Sometimes a simple hug or a day with a friend (and trying to steer us away from the topic) is the best medicine we can get at the time.
God has a plan (we just have to be willing to accept it and know that He's there (even when it seems no one else is) through it all) and as Laura Story's song Blessings says "Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"