The real me is finally back!

I went to the doctor last Monday, and admitted to her that I was battling deep depression and anxiety some in part to my current health issues. I had her put me back on the Lexapro that I was on prior to having our son. Let me tell, you a week later, I can already tell a difference and feel like my old self is returning. Sometimes we need to admit when we need help and do what it takes to make things right again. There is nothing wrong with admitting your depressed and need some medical help.

Appointment with the Oncologist

Today was my appointment with the gynecological oncologist. After a brief visit and exam, I was told I was a good canidate for a robotic hysterectomy. It'll be sometime around mid-Dec. Until I will remain on the Megace to keep the Endometerial Hyperplasia from progressing into full blown uterine cancer. So the wheels have been set into motion, short of a miracle it'll happen.

Realizing

I have been thinking about this hysterectomy, the cancer, the PCOS and the Infertility a lot the past few days. I am beginning to realize why I am so heart broken. Justlike anyone with a disease, I wasn't give the choice to have it or not, I just was one of the "lucky" ones who drew the PCOS card that happened to include infertility. Which in turn killed pretty much all my girlhood dreams of being a mother to 4 or more children. I like all people with cancer wasn't give the choice if I would be one touched by this horrible disease or not, unfortunately for me it came as a package deal with the PCOS (unbeknownst to me). The cancer has taken way all my ability to have a say in not only my fertile years as to if I want more children but also in so many other ways. Ways that I am dreading learning about and going through.
I guess my point is that a majority of women who get hysterectomy are usually either doing so electively, are past child bearing years or have all the children that they plan to have. Yes, while I am almost 40, I am still in my child bearing years and probably would have had another 10 to 15 years left based on my family history. So see it essence something is being stolen from me. I actually will have to go through a grieving process, as if someone dear to me died. Isn't that strange to think of someone grieving the loss of their uterus? I just keep reminding myself that there is a bigger plan and that at least I was blessed with 1 child as there are so many women out there who never even be able to know what it is like to have even 1 child. I am trying to remember to count my blessings, not my losses.

Not So Quick

Well, my DH threw me a curve ball after I had started to accept that we were at the end of our journey. He feels that we should do as we originally decided and keep trying until the end of the year. My specialist agrees with him, she really feels that having a baby is the healthiest choice for me (compared to a hysterectomy ... it would give me up to 3 more years with my uterus putting me at about 43 instead of 40). I saw her yesterday, she said that the lining is indeed on the thick side and there were some polyps present. So I am off again to have another hysteroscopy in the next week or two. After that, if the results of the surgery deems it safe, we will continue on with try. We'll be changing from just doing femara, to doing femara, with monitoring via vaginal ultrasounds for follicles followed by an ovidrel shot. Now to the sad news, my specialist (and I) feel that there was success last month but it didn't become a viable pregnancy. Last Saturday I was plagued with the worst cramping and back pains, I have experienced (except for the other time it was thought that I had miscarried, clear back in 95). Given that info, and other info she felt that it was highly probable that a miscarriage took place. My DH (bless his heart) says that even though this is sad, at least it's a positive because we know that we can accomplish conception....now to try and accomplish a viable pregnancy.

Silent and Invisible

When something is part of you, you tend to live and breath it because it has over taken you and your life. I am quite sure that this is usually not the choice when it comes to things like diseases. It is just something you have to learn to deal with. Sometimes it is something that folks know very little about because it's either it's a little know about disease or it's a silent/invisible disease (like Lupus, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), Lyme Disease, Fibromyalgia, and Endometriosis.... just a few for example), I like to call these the "You look and act fine, so you must not be that sick disease". Being open about your disease is a part of you, in hopes that someone else who might also be suffering will know that they are not alone and/or that it will bring more awareness to the disease. Just because you can't see it, feel it, taste it, touch it, hear it, or smell it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Yes, I might go on about it and you are tired of hearing about it, but have you ever really taken the time to research and understand what it is like to walk in my shoes and deal with what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have a dear friend who has Lupus and when we first started hanging out, I often found my feelings hurt because I didn't understand why she would cancel get togethers/outtings at the last minute. I truly thought it was me and she just didn't know how to tell me she didn't want to be my friend after all. Then one day, I choose to finally look past me and research what Lupus really was (after all this was the reason I was always hearing when things were canceled, my Lupus is flaring up today). Guess what? Once I took the time out of my busy day/schedule to learn more about Lupus, I finally began to understand what she dealt with and that she probably didn't enjoy having to call her friends up and cancel on them, that she was suffering. I couldn't see it because to me she looked normal, healthy! But she wasn't her disease is invisible to the naked eye, her body was attacking itself and causing her great pain and discomfort. It's hard for her to get folks to understand this. Once I did though, I was able to be a supportive and understanding friend. I was able to say "It's okay, we'll reschedule when your feeling better or let's just hang out at home and play a game so we can still spend time together if you feel up to it". I learned to adjust according to her needs. She is a dear friend still to this day (14 yrs later). The Lupus has started to show it's toll on her body, it breaks my heart to know and see how much she has been through in all the time that I have known her. I would give anything to switch places with her. She is an inspiration to me and very dear to my whole family. I honestly don't think that if I hadn't taken the time to become knowledgeable about her disease, we wouldn't be the friends that we are today.
My disease is like hers, hard to understand because it's invisible/silent. I look okay on the outside, a little overweight but healthy for the most part. You can't see what lies within, so for you it might be hard to hear constantly how sick I really am. You probably think I am a hypochondriac, someone who just wants or thinks that they need attention. You don't understand that I feel broken as a woman, especially when you see (or know) that I have a child. My child being an only child isn't by choice, it's not what I had planned or wanted, it's what I was given. Yes, I know how blessed I am because I know that there are women who also have my disease who will never, ever know the joys of pregnancy, childbirth or even looking into a face that has some of their features. My heart breaks for these women because even though I was blessed with a child of my own, I still know their pain and have walked in their shoes for 10 years. I never thought I would have a child, that I would never know motherhood. You have heard of my struggles to have another child and probably don't understand why it's such a big issue to me. My child doesn't know the joys of siblings and all that having a sibling means. When my DH and I leave this earth, he'll be all alone. He'll have no one to share his memories of childhood or his parents with. It saddens my heart to think of him with no one who knows the same silly inside family jokes that he does or to help him remember certain family events. He'll be on his own and because of that I have had nothing but the desire to give him the one thing I can't seem to be able to give him. I know what you are thinking because I hear it so often, "Why not adopt" or "You could always adopt". Adoption isn't an option for everyone for various reasons. 
I say all this to say this one thing: Do not judge, ignore, or become frustrated with your friends/family or even strangers when they say they are sick but look "healthy". Take the time to learn about what they have. It just might open your eyes to how they truly are sick and not just a complaining hypochondriac, and how their disease consumes so much of their lives even when they fight against letting that happen every day of their lives. 

Hubby to go for follow up and an update

Hubby goes in on the 11th of July to the Urologist for a follow up on his testosterone levels to see if the Clomid is working for him. From my point of view it is. :0) He went today to have his blood work done, we want (need) his levels to be at least twice (they were 161) what they were last time. Not sure what will happen if they aren't because that is the lowest that they want them at (300), preferably higher. We are unsure how long he can safely remain on the Clomid, for the time being his prescription is 12 months. I am hoping that he can continue to take it for a while longer. I don't want him to go on testosterone treatments because it has adverse effects not to mention we have a son about to hit puberty and are unsure what the side effects could be for him (my understanding is that it actually can permeate through the skin of the user and effect others who are exposed to it daily). We don't want to do anything that could effect him negatively his reproductive future. It's just not worth it in the long run. 
As far as me, I am still not getting a spike on the ovulation kits. However I am crampy during the few days that I should be ovulating. Not sure if this is a good sign or a bad one. I know if I say something to my fertility specialist, she'll want to start doing costly ultra sounds to see if I am ovulating and that could be up to a couple times a month and insurance doesn't cover it at all. I have a feeling though that it might come to that sooner than later, if we aren't successful. 
We thought for sure (again) that this last month was the month. Had tons of "symptoms", come to find out researching Femara further that a lot of the "symptoms" could also be from it as well as "change of life" symptoms. Great huh? I thought since I was only taking it for 5 days a month, I wouldn't be cursed with the side effects of the Femara. That doesn't seem to be be the issue at all. A nice side effect that seems to be plaguing me (again ---- last time it was from the Megace) is a lot more of my hair coming out. Trying not to let this bother me. It was so hard with the Megace, it took almost 6 months after coming off the Megace for my hair to grow back but not like it was prior to taking it. I guess you have to give a little sometimes to gain something greater. Will it be worth it all in the end, if we are successful? YES!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!

Praising God!!

After such an emotional roller coaster over the past year, we finally received (well at least I think so) some good news. While we were on our way to OKC on Friday for a mini-family vacation, my doctor called. She had received the 2nd pathology report. She said that it showed no current signs of a-typia (cancer) and that from what she saw and this pathology report, we didn't have to do a rush hysterectomy (HUGH SIGH of relief) for the time being. However, we could end up right back in the same spot later on down the road. I have to keep very vigilant about getting a monthly "jump start" every 35 days if my cycle doesn't come on it's own. I have to make sure it doesn't start acting up again (heavy, spotty, or so forth). I have to go in at least 1 time a year (more if my cycle starts acting up again) to have the same surgery that I had 3 times this past year. We have to be very watchful and make sure that the uterus lining stays healthy in thickness and so forth. I will eventually have to have a hysterectomy though. I will need it before I hit menopause. I am thinking, I will just plan it for my 40th birthday and then I will have it over with. I would like to keep everything until then, though if possible (God willing). We still can use this time to try and get pregnant if we still wish. DH is pretty set on no due to his age (he's a whopping 43). I have mixed feelings to be very honest at this point, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with all the emotions and disappointments that are sure to come with "trying" again (especially for us, since there are no guarantees). Plus I really was having a hard time these past few weeks with depression, I really considered going to my GFP and asking them to prescribe some kind of antidepressant for me (again).For right now, we aren't going to prevent it from happening but we aren't going to go the extra steps to help insure it happens either. Basically we are leaving it in God's hands and if it happens it was truly meant (and ordained) by HIM to be.

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have hair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People stare at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section. (please note this is just the short list of other ailments and side effects a woman can suffer with PCOS). (NOTE: added 6/30/11 if you are a woman with PCOS and don't have a regular monthly mense (especially if it last longer than a week or an unusually heavy flow) consult your doctor (keep pushing them if you have too) to find out what is going on. This could be a sign of something more serious with PCOS. Sorry don't want to freak you out but it's serious enough to put this warning on here. Even if you don't have PCOS and one of these issues arise, consult your doctor (especially if it continues over a duration of time).

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE