Over with

        Well on Wednesday the 12th, I had my hysterectomy. I cried during the prep for the operation. I just broke down. I think it started when the first nurse made a comment about "Getting Rid of the Plumbing" like it was no big deal and something that all women my age do. I told her that no, I didn't want this to take place. I wanted another baby. This wasn't my choice. Cancer sucks! I had to stay overnight in the hospital but was able to come home the following morning. So far, I have done nothing but lay around in bed. It's already getting to me. I am not lay around in bed all day long type of person. I am suppose to remain here for at least a few more days. I just might go stir crazy.

Time is Quickly Ticking Away

My hysterectomy is now literally only days away, 4 1/2 to be exact. Sad and scared doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling as we closer to the date of this forever life changing surgery. I think without the Lexapro, I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life right now.  My 9 1/2 yr old son is not taking this well, he gets so upset. He's clingy and will cry at the drop of a hat. It's killing me to see how this is effecting him. He's scared, he's sad too. You also learn just how many friends (and family) you really have at a time like this. I just wish that people took the time to try and understand, this is not a choice and there are no other options for us to expand our family. This surgery will finalize everything for us.

Some events (days) harder then others

Had a hard morning in church, it was baby dedications and to top it off one of the worship singers was very pregnant (not to mention it's exactly 31 days to my hysterectomy). It was like I was being slapped in the face with what I couldn't have or do. I tried to hard to contain my composure. However, I just could not stop the tears from flowing or the heart from feeling broken. Why do something (or days) have to be so hard, so in your face?

Date for surgery set

Well, I received my appointment information in the mail this afternoon. Who know that opening a packet from a hospital could make one burst into uncontrollable crying. I am sure though it happens far more than most think that it does. Sometimes they are tears of great joy but most often probably tears of anguish, as mine were. It's like it's now chiseled in stone, nothing short of a MIRACLE is going to stop it from happening. It's so final. It doesn't help that I am feeling lack of support from certain family members (no, it's not my husband). I don't want to get any further into that can of worms, so I will just leave it at that. 
I will be having the Da Vinci (robotic) hysterectomy. Unfortunately, I do have to have the cervix taken at the same time. I was hoping that this wasn't the case. However the cervix is part of the endometrial system, therefore, there could be traces of the the Endometrial Hyperplasia in the cervix itself. Which if it isn't removed now could turn into to cervix cancer and require a 2nd surgery or worse. Kind of like playing Russian Roulette with your life and health. So, they will be taking the uterus and the cervix. Unless they find something wrong with the ovaries, they will be leaving them. That way I wont be sent into immediate and early menopause. They will not do a traditional hysterectomy unless there is an emergency, like they nick the bladder or the colon and need to make repairs. This will most likely be an out patient surgery, that is unless they nick something and need to do a more invasive surgery, I loose more blood than I am suppose to (1/2 a cup is about the normal blood loss for the this type of surgery), and/or I have a negative reaction to the anesthesia. 
Not exactly the way I was wanting this journey to end, but I guess at least it is coming to an end. I am sure however, I am far from being off the emotional roller coaster, just will be riding a different kind for a while. 

The dreaded appointment (that ended up being a phone call instead)

My specialist called this afternoon. You know how you know it's going to happen, you brace yourself for it but you just end up not being strong enough to withstand the force of the blow? That is how that phone call ended up being for me.

As I stated in yesterdays blog post, the biopsy showed that the Endometrial Hyperplasia has returned. The specialist confirmed this today on the phone. She says she feels that it is no longer in my best interest health wise to continue to try for baby #2. She fears that the Endometrial Hyperplasia will turn to full blown uterine cancer while trying for #2. Having a 2nd baby was suppose to prolong my keeping my uterus. Guess it just wasn't in God's plan for either a 2nd baby or the keeping of my uterus any longer. That final door, has been slammed shut in my face.

I keep looking back, regretting decisions. I could have pushed, I should have pushed earlier to start having children. PCOS was still a "new" thing in medicine, even though as I said in previous posts, I believe it has been around for centuries. No one ever in the in the 20 plus years of having female issues (the last 14 years of which were diagnosed as PCOS) did anyone (except my specialist) ever tell me how important it was to my endometrial health to have a MONTHLY cycle. After I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was told once ever 3 to 6 months was healthy for me. Guess what (unless I was on the pill, which I never was) it wasn't. If I had be being given monthly progesterone treatments and had a monthly cycle, it is far less likely that I would be in the situation that I am in today. Yesterday, I googled Endometrial Hyperplasia PCOS and found that PCOS has now been found to drastically increase a woman's chance of uterine cancer. I never heard this before I met with my infertility specialist to try for baby #2. Though one page did offer suggestions on how to "prevent" it, it never mentioned having a monthly cycle was the most important (weight loss, eat less fat, treat your pcos  with progesterone treatments (which should give you your cycle but doesn't state that) and have a yearly pap (which a pap WILL NOT tell you if you have pcos----please don't think that it will)). I can not stress it enough, if you or anyone you know has abnormal cycles. Please seek a specialist, rule out things like PCOS for sure. If you (or they) are diagnosed with PCOS. Find a doctor well versed in it. Do all you can to keep your uterus healthy and make sure that unless you are on the pill you have a monthly cycle. If your doctor says you don't need to have one every month, find a new doctor. This truly is important, I would hate to see anyone with PCOS in my place, especially if they have read this warning. It's no joke.

Do not take for granted that what should be will be. There is no guarantee that woman will be able to become a mother in her lifetime or that a man will be able to father children in his. Take each day 1 at a time. Stand up for what you believe. Fight for what you want will your whole heart, being and soul. Above all accept (even if you can't understand the reasons why) what God gives you and the roads you will travel down in this lifetime. He has an ultimate reason and a purpose (possibly 1 or more of the following): 1. to teach you something   2. to use you to teach someone else something     3. to use you to be there for others who will follow down the same path     No, God doesn't do bad things to us but He can allow them to happen for a lot of reasons. We just need to lean on Him and be prepared to see why we were chosen to endure.

The last thing that I want to say in this post is more of a reminder, You are your own best advocate. NO ONE knows your body as well as you do. If you do not agree with what the doctor is telling you, you have the right to walk out, to "fire" them, to seek a second (and even third, possibly a fourth (or more)) opinion. Never, ever stand for second best when it comes to your body, your health and/or well being in any fashion of the way. Stand up for you, because most likely no one else will do it for you (unless they are paid to do so and even then, they tend to have their own agenda).

Closing this chapter once and for all

Well, the wait for the answer is over. It's a resounding, no! I am not sure which was hard getting my cycle or having to tell my 9 yr old that he'll never have a little brother or sister. He took it so hard. It just broke my heart. He is so sweet and good with little kids. I know he was so wanting to be a big brother. It's just not in God's plans for him or for our family. It's time to move on, close that chapter forever. I will see the specialist sometime this week and we'll go from there. However, I have decided I don't want to take any more treatments .... this was the final no! I can only take so many emotional roller coaster rides, the trying (that leads to arguing because it was so stressful and things didn't always go as planned), the waiting, the pregnancy tests, just to do it all over again the next month. It's wearing. I need to be happy with the blessing/miracle that God gave me in our son .... focus on him and just enjoy my marriage.
I am hoping that I will be able to keep my uterus though for another 5 yrs or so, by getting month progesterone shots and a yearly check on my lining.

How Can I?

How can I expect others to understand or take the time to learn about what PCOS is. How can I expect compassion about what I have been going through all my life, but especially the past couple of years? When my own husband and family can't. All I pray is that some woman is going down this path in life, that she knows that she isn't alone, strange, broken or less of a woman --- like I have felt all my life.

Giving Up The Dream

I never shared this before on my blog but back in July when my Step-Sister was throwing a baby shower for my Step-Sister-In-Law, I gave up all the beautiful baby girl clothes that I had been collecting and storing in hopes that I would have a little girl to put them on. It was so hard. I cried while I packed that box to ship off. I cried after I put it into the mail. It broke my heart. It was so final. So in my face but it was my choice. I gave them to them so they would be lovingly used on a beautiful little girl. I had my Step-Sister give them to them in private. There was a gift for her to open at her shower that I bought especially for her. Just felt it was time to finally share this. It's been hard knowing that there is no longer baby girl clothes hanging up in our guest room closet in hopes of having a little girl in this home who will be able to wear them.

Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).