Realizing

I have been thinking about this hysterectomy, the cancer, the PCOS and the Infertility a lot the past few days. I am beginning to realize why I am so heart broken. Justlike anyone with a disease, I wasn't give the choice to have it or not, I just was one of the "lucky" ones who drew the PCOS card that happened to include infertility. Which in turn killed pretty much all my girlhood dreams of being a mother to 4 or more children. I like all people with cancer wasn't give the choice if I would be one touched by this horrible disease or not, unfortunately for me it came as a package deal with the PCOS (unbeknownst to me). The cancer has taken way all my ability to have a say in not only my fertile years as to if I want more children but also in so many other ways. Ways that I am dreading learning about and going through.
I guess my point is that a majority of women who get hysterectomy are usually either doing so electively, are past child bearing years or have all the children that they plan to have. Yes, while I am almost 40, I am still in my child bearing years and probably would have had another 10 to 15 years left based on my family history. So see it essence something is being stolen from me. I actually will have to go through a grieving process, as if someone dear to me died. Isn't that strange to think of someone grieving the loss of their uterus? I just keep reminding myself that there is a bigger plan and that at least I was blessed with 1 child as there are so many women out there who never even be able to know what it is like to have even 1 child. I am trying to remember to count my blessings, not my losses.

Not So Quick

Well, my DH threw me a curve ball after I had started to accept that we were at the end of our journey. He feels that we should do as we originally decided and keep trying until the end of the year. My specialist agrees with him, she really feels that having a baby is the healthiest choice for me (compared to a hysterectomy ... it would give me up to 3 more years with my uterus putting me at about 43 instead of 40). I saw her yesterday, she said that the lining is indeed on the thick side and there were some polyps present. So I am off again to have another hysteroscopy in the next week or two. After that, if the results of the surgery deems it safe, we will continue on with try. We'll be changing from just doing femara, to doing femara, with monitoring via vaginal ultrasounds for follicles followed by an ovidrel shot. Now to the sad news, my specialist (and I) feel that there was success last month but it didn't become a viable pregnancy. Last Saturday I was plagued with the worst cramping and back pains, I have experienced (except for the other time it was thought that I had miscarried, clear back in 95). Given that info, and other info she felt that it was highly probable that a miscarriage took place. My DH (bless his heart) says that even though this is sad, at least it's a positive because we know that we can accomplish conception....now to try and accomplish a viable pregnancy.

Injection

Today was shot day! The next 48 to 72 hours are so important, yet they are already at the point of overwhelming and stressful. God is in control! I just need to keep telling myself that. I was in great discomfort earlier this evening, my left ovary felt like someone was driving a stake through it over and over again. Hopefully that is a good sign (even though it was slightly painful). :0)

Male Infertility Doctor Follow Up Appointment

DH had his 3 month follow up with the male infertility doctor. His Testosterone levels were 160 when they tested him and now with the Clomid it's in the 430's range (that is where we need it and want it to be at ... while 160 is still considered in the normal range, it's at the very low end of the it). He has to go in in about 14 days to have a count done, praying that this will also show a marked improvement. We also found out that as long as he doesn't get any adverse side effects from the Clomid, he can stay on it as long as needed. We were very concerned about synthetic testosterone treatments due to the side effects but more importantly the effects it could have on Lil' Man being male and around it.
I can tell a difference in DH's sex drive, he is more apt to want it and get frustrated if he doesn't get it when in the mood. While most women would be upset with this, not me! I am loving it! My DH has been pretty A-sexual since the beginning. He could pretty much not get it and be okay. As a woman with PCOS (for those who may not know this fact: Women with PCOS tend to have a much higher sex drive) I pretty much want it all the time. So for me this news about his Testosterone levels being over the 300 that my infertility specialist wants him at and his newly "found" interest makes me a very happy girl. Finally, things seem to be going in the right direction (at least where he is concerned)....now, if I just knew for sure if this Femara was working or not. 

A morning of tears

This morning ended up being a super teary morning. I haven't cried this much in quite awhile. DH (Darling Husband) had gone to have his S.A. done. I get a call about 930 from the Dr's office (which scared me at first that something happened to DH while he was there). The nurse (who in my opinion was very unsympathetic and kinda crass) tells me that they received the results of the blood tests that the Dr. wanted DH to have done. Well 2 of them showed low levels. Which is not good. She was just not listening to me (the nurse) so I told her to have the Dr. call me back personally. Well, when I saw the doctor last week, she never mentioned (even though she is swearing up and down that she did) that if these were low DH would have to go to another Dr. (an Urologist), who could prescribe the Clomid for him. She tells me it can take 2 months or longer to get into one. I  of course start crying just because of the stress all this information was causing me.Of course I am stressing because it means more money, more issues, more time (it can take between 4-6 months for the changes to happen in a man that are necessary to achieve pregnancy) and the list just goes on and on. I don't know if this is God slamming the doors closed and we should just give up, or do we keep trying and see if any door is still open to us and the possibility of another baby? I also fear for our marriage (i.e. intimacy) if we don't go see the urologist because of the issues DH is having.

More Tests and Changes

Had a one on one with my Infertility Specialist (I.F. Specialist) this morning. DH needs to give a new Semen Analysis (S.A.) and some blood work done to check certain hormones. If the hormones test low then they want to put him on Clomid (it helps men to manufacture testosterone naturally ---- he just had a testosterone test done, which showed low levels (which is an issue we have dealt with in the past)).  I will be going off of Clomid and onto Famara, instead. We also set a time (the beginning of 2013) for a hysterectomy if that we are unsuccessful. The Famara is to help increase our chances, it has shown a higher success rate with PCOS women then Clomid does.

Feelings About Life Right Now

It's hard to grasp knowing that you will definitely get cancer in your lifetime, no mights, maybes or probablies about it. What's even harder to grasp than that is knowing that you can prevent this certain type of cancer with an operation and a removal of an organ. However removing this organ is finalizing not only the possibility of cancer but of ever being able to hold another baby of your own. Knowing that that season of your life will be gone before it's time is up. There will be no more hope for a miracle, the door will be slammed shut on that possibility ever taking place. But even though holding another baby would be a dream, a miracle come true ... is being selfish the right road to take, knowing what it will mean in the future? A hysterectomy seems so final, so end of the road. Yes life will go on, but a hysterectomy changes you forever. You question (even though thousands of women have them every year, some like you who didn't choose that option as a form of birth control but for life and death reasons) will I still be a woman in my husbands eyes? Is it true I could loose my libido? You'll be being thrust into early menopause. Then your mind goes back again to that never held baby, the one of your hearts desire. Is it worth it to slam the door shut and not allow every chance you can for that miracle to take place. Especially when you have been taught and seen with your own eyes God heal others and provide miracles. Then you start to wonder why was I choose to go down this path in life? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I not worthy in God's eyes to be a Mom again? Not to mention this path, this road feels so lonely, so very lonely and frightening. There are days you can't think because it brings tears, deep sadness and anger. You want to shout "WHY ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO?" You think how this disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) can cause so many things that people just don't understand. Weight gain for one, how people look at you and think you are a fat, lazy slob of a person because your overweight. They don't know how you struggle every day with what you see in the mirror. The facial hair, the diabetes, the loss of your hair and then theres the possibilities of getting Endometrial Hyperplasia due to lack of having a monthly cycle on a regular basis because the uterine lining isn't shedding like God intended it too. Then there is the inevitable, dreaded "I" word. Infertility! You go through an emotional roller coaster each and every day, will my cycle come? Am I pregnant? Did it work this month? Not to mention what going through Infertility Treatments will do to you emotionally (let's just forget the cost for now, which can be astronomical). Adoption, that seems to be everyones answer for you. Just adopt. Or even better yet, stop "trying" and you before you know it you'll be pregnant. STOP SAYING THAT TO WOMEN, please I really mean it. It truly is one of the worst things you can say to a woman (or a couple) who has been trying to get pregnant. Also do not mention how if you could trade places with them you would, you know that isn't going to happen (unless you are willing to offer them your uterus and give up the baby you carried for 9 months --- then only say it if this is what you truly are willing to do). While we know you truly aren't meaning harm by your comments, it still hurts and feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart. It hurts! Sometimes a simple hug or a day with a friend (and trying to steer us away from the topic) is the best medicine we can get at the time.
God has a plan (we just have to be willing to accept it and know that He's there (even when it seems no one else is) through it all) and as Laura Story's song Blessings says "Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Day 4

Well, today is day 4 of my new way of eating. The doctor told me that if I was to loose weight I would be more likely to stop the progression of the Endrometrial Hyperplasia and it could even help to regress it. On Monday, I weighed in at 218 and I need to get down to 125 over time...it is going to be a very long road and I know that I might never get down that far but even a 10% loss can help with the PCOS and the symptoms that accompany it. Basically I am going to take it one day at a time on this part of the journey. Currently I am trying to stick to about 1700 calories and 190 grams of carbs a day. I am going to be realistic about this because after all I am married and I have a kid, so there will be times when the new way of eating might have to take a day or two off. I haven't begun the exercising part yet. I decided to get use to the trying to eat 6 times a day, stay within my goals for the calorie and carb intake, keep a food journal and make sure that I take my medicine twice a day like I am suppose to (I am on day 10 of a 90 day Progestrone treatment). I bet you noticed that I don't say the "D" word when referring to eating, that is just a word I can't stand and refuse to use. This is a lifestyle change, and I am not doing it because I have a 20yr High School Reunion in a year or because I want to fit into a bikini, I am doing it to better my health. So far, I am doing good and keeping very much on top of my goals. I just hope that I don't loose steam over time.

The Call

I got the call yesterday from my infertility specialist, she's the one that performed my hysteroscopy on the 15th. The news isn't good. She says that I do indeed have Endometrial Hyperplasia. There are 4 stages to this. Right now basically I am in the pre-cancerous stage (Simple to Complex). If it was cancer the word Atypia would accompany it. Thankfully, while this is scary, it is very treatable but it does increase my chances of Uterine Cancer about 100% in my life time. I am going to go on a 3 month treatment of Progesterone....40mg twice a day (this is a very high dosage). Then I will go back in, in Sept for another hysteroscopy to see if the treatment helped to regress the Endometrial Hyperplasia. If it did, they want a pregnancy ASAP and of course for us that means going back on infertility treatments. The reason for this is because your body produces large amounts of natural progesterone during pregnancy which would be a huge plus for me and then if you BF, you produce progesterone during that time...but it can't be supplemental BFing. If it hasn't regressed or has progressed even further, then it is a hysterectomy ASAP. That means no more trying for a 2nd baby, that means God has chosen our path in life for sure. I know that may sound harsh to some, but I have and will always believe that God gives us burdens like this for a reason (sometimes it is just to grow in Him as His child), we might not understand it at the time it is going on but He will let know His reasons and purpose when the time is right. God is in control ultimately. I can lean on Him and He will carry me when I need to be carried down this path of life. Sure I get upset and depressed at times (I spent most of yesterday afternoon crying), after all I am only human and I don't fully understand the whole reason for this path that I am on but I know that ultimately God does and I trust Him. I want to remind everyon if you are facing a trial in your life that deals with your health, you are your own best advocate when it comes to your body, your disease and what you want to happen but ALWAYS take it to God in Prayer and seek His guidance. I have found during this journey that not all doctors or specialist know everything that there is to be known about your disease, and they defiantly don't always tell you everything that you need to know about it either. Research, read, chat with others, seek 2nd opinions and most importantly take care of your body. If you have PCOS like me, did you know that there are ways you can reverse it...it wont make it go away but you can keep it and those nasty other little friends of it undercontrol and live almost symptom free. Keeping your weight in check is one of the best ways, but you see no one (doctors) ever told me that. I see an endocronologist and she has never once in over the 2 yrs I have been seeing her mentioned loosing weight, even when I started gaining more. I always thought it was because she knew how hard it is for a PCOS woman to loose weight...but watching your calorie and carb intake, and exercising (and not being seditary) is one of the best things we PCOS girls can do for our bodies.

The Big Day

Well, today is the "big" day...surgery day. I am some what scared but know that this will help to determine why my lining doesn't want to seem to thin down like it is suppose to. I am so worried that they will find cancer. You know I never thought that I would ever say that word when refering to me, but then again I bet everyone in the world, especially those with cancer say the same thing. Praying for a uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery.

Pre-Operation Appointment

Went in to the doctor today for the pre-opt appointment about the hysteroscopy and DNC. It was a good appointment over all. I was informed however of the risks that can accompany these procedures. There is a chance that the uterus is punctured and then they will have to stop the procedure or they could do a laperoscopy and sew the puncture closed and continue. Oh Joy! That sounds like fun, not! There is also a chance of hemorrhaging, infection and scaring. If a polyp is found they will scrap just that area and send it off to the lab, if no polyp is found then they will scarp the whole uterine lining and send it off to the lab. If all comes back clear we can proceed with the fertility treatments...she did say even if it comes back with a probability of cancer, we could still do the treatments. Praying, Praying!

It's Finalized

Today, is was the first day of Homeschool Convention and guess what I get less than an hour there... the phone call from the surgery scheduler. I have to go in on the 10th of June for a Pre-Operation Appointment, the Hysteroscopy and DNC is scheduled for the 15th of June at 1pm. I then have to wait until the 28th of June to go in for the Post-Operation Follow-Up Appointment. BREATHING!!!! God is in Control!

OK, Take A Deep Breath and Breath!

Heard back from the nurse, she said not to go forward with the fertility treatments. They want to do a surgical hysteroscopy and scraping of the uterine lining. They feel that there might be polyps or something else that isn't allowing the lining to thin like it should. Here comes those words again...Endometrial Hyperplasia and Cancer. Trying very hard to remember to take it 1 day at a time, breath and God is in control! I have to wait now for the gal from the clinic who schedules the surgeries to call me back...and they couldn't tell me when exactly that might be...so it is wait again!

Seriously??!!!???

Seriously? My lining is 13mm thick (it should be less than 5mm). So here we go again with the Endometrial Hyperplasia. The nurse wants to wait to talk to the doctor and she wont be in until tomorrow but she did speak with the other doctors that are in the office and they said not to start the fertility treatments, that the thickness of my lining is of great concern to them. I feel like I just hit a brick wall and took about 10 steps backward on this journey. While I know ultimately this is all in God's hands...why this again? So once again, I wait to hear what I am to do.

Not This Time!

Well, my "friend" came to visit. So we go back to the drawing board. I go into see the doctor on 1st to see where we go from here. Hopefully another round of treatments.

Are You Joking?

I have to order another pen, this time 2 shots worth. Take 1 more shot and then the FSH on Wednesday. Then Business! Then start those Progestrone pills on Sunday and wait to see if we were successful! Well, no one said this was going to be easy. Just remember this is all in God's Hands! After all, it's His plans ultimately not ours!

More???!?!?

Went to the doctor on Wednesday, they told me the eggs aren't mature yet and that I need to take 3 more shots over the weekend. This weekend of all weekend? This is Edwards weekend, he is turning 7 on Saturday and we are taking him out of town to the Great Wolf Lodge in Kansas City to celebrate it. I only have 1 shot in my Gonal pen, so I have to have more sent to me at the hotel. Well, I guess this will make our weekend just that much more interesting. And oy vey the cost of these pens are extreme....almost 650 just for the pen that holds 3 shots. So far I have had to get 2 pens with 3 shots worth in them. Not to mention the FSH shot I still have to give myself, the cost of the clomid and the progestrone pills I have take later on. Oh and let's not get me started on those progestrone pills.....I am still trying to grasp the concept of how I have take them...let's just say they are taken the way you think a pill would be taken. They wanted me to come in on Sunday to be rechecked but since we will be out of town, they were kind enough to agree to see me first thing Monday Morning.

Here we go!

Today is the first day of Infertility treatments. I have to take 150mg of Clomid for the next five days. I have to give myself 150 IU of Gonal Today, Sunday and Tuesday, then go see doctor to see if we have mature eggs. These both have to be taken between 7PM and 9PM and preferably at the same time every time it is taken. Not only are those scheduled but "OTHER" things are on a schedule too!

She's Here!

Well, my "friend" finally decided to come visit after a little help from that progestrone shot. PRAISE THE LORD! Will be starting shots in a few days!

Shot Here I Come

Well, no visit (on her own accord) from my "friend", so it is off to get a progestrone shot to give her a jump start. Then we will get to start the fertility treatments soon. This scares me a little because I have never given myself a shot before. Hmmm, this part of our infertility journey seems to keep sending me to places that I never thought or hoped to go. I just need to keep reminding myself..ultimately, it's all in God's hands and in the end it (no matter the outcome) will all have been worth it.