Feelings About Life Right Now

It's hard to grasp knowing that you will definitely get cancer in your lifetime, no mights, maybes or probablies about it. What's even harder to grasp than that is knowing that you can prevent this certain type of cancer with an operation and a removal of an organ. However removing this organ is finalizing not only the possibility of cancer but of ever being able to hold another baby of your own. Knowing that that season of your life will be gone before it's time is up. There will be no more hope for a miracle, the door will be slammed shut on that possibility ever taking place. But even though holding another baby would be a dream, a miracle come true ... is being selfish the right road to take, knowing what it will mean in the future? A hysterectomy seems so final, so end of the road. Yes life will go on, but a hysterectomy changes you forever. You question (even though thousands of women have them every year, some like you who didn't choose that option as a form of birth control but for life and death reasons) will I still be a woman in my husbands eyes? Is it true I could loose my libido? You'll be being thrust into early menopause. Then your mind goes back again to that never held baby, the one of your hearts desire. Is it worth it to slam the door shut and not allow every chance you can for that miracle to take place. Especially when you have been taught and seen with your own eyes God heal others and provide miracles. Then you start to wonder why was I choose to go down this path in life? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I not worthy in God's eyes to be a Mom again? Not to mention this path, this road feels so lonely, so very lonely and frightening. There are days you can't think because it brings tears, deep sadness and anger. You want to shout "WHY ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO?" You think how this disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) can cause so many things that people just don't understand. Weight gain for one, how people look at you and think you are a fat, lazy slob of a person because your overweight. They don't know how you struggle every day with what you see in the mirror. The facial hair, the diabetes, the loss of your hair and then theres the possibilities of getting Endometrial Hyperplasia due to lack of having a monthly cycle on a regular basis because the uterine lining isn't shedding like God intended it too. Then there is the inevitable, dreaded "I" word. Infertility! You go through an emotional roller coaster each and every day, will my cycle come? Am I pregnant? Did it work this month? Not to mention what going through Infertility Treatments will do to you emotionally (let's just forget the cost for now, which can be astronomical). Adoption, that seems to be everyones answer for you. Just adopt. Or even better yet, stop "trying" and you before you know it you'll be pregnant. STOP SAYING THAT TO WOMEN, please I really mean it. It truly is one of the worst things you can say to a woman (or a couple) who has been trying to get pregnant. Also do not mention how if you could trade places with them you would, you know that isn't going to happen (unless you are willing to offer them your uterus and give up the baby you carried for 9 months --- then only say it if this is what you truly are willing to do). While we know you truly aren't meaning harm by your comments, it still hurts and feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart. It hurts! Sometimes a simple hug or a day with a friend (and trying to steer us away from the topic) is the best medicine we can get at the time.
God has a plan (we just have to be willing to accept it and know that He's there (even when it seems no one else is) through it all) and as Laura Story's song Blessings says "Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Long Needed Update

Had my last surgery in Sept, they found that there were still some cysts and the lining was still a little thick. So I had to remain on the progesterone treatments for 3 more months. I was suppose to go in for an in office procedure in Dec 2010 but when I got to the Dr.'s office I was told that she had a family emergency (her little boy was in the hospital -- unexpectedly and had been there for a few days already). They said that they had me scheduled to see another doctor. I asked if it was a male doctor, they said yes. I wasn't happy about it but I said I was going to have to be. They called me in a few minutes later and I guess my face gave me away, they rescheduled the appointment for a few weeks later. Well, we get a snow storm and I get ill the day before the appointment so now it's scheduled for the end of this month. I am praying that the 3rd time is a charm, so to speak. I just want to get it over with but I want to make sure it's with the same doctor I started out with so that I can get some questions I have about the future answered.
Side Note: We've decided not to continue on with fertility treatments because they are 3000 to 4000 dollars a treatment (yes that is just for shots and checks with the doctor) and there is no guarantee of a viable pregnancy. We are just going to put it in God's hands and if it's suppose to be that we have another child God will bless us with the ultimate miracle.

Down to the end

Well, now I have less than 30 days of the Magace treatment left. I can't believe I am almost at the end of this treatment. You know though, I was talking to someone the other day whose husband has been facing liver and thyroid cancer ... which also made me think of my Mother-In-Law and my friend Trisha. I have a whole lot to be thankful for with this cancer scare. I didn't have to do chemo or radiation. Granted my treatment doesn't promise a cure either. I know that unless we eventually remove my uterus I will get uterine cancer in my lifetime. But I am still so young and I am just not willing to give it up unless I have absolutely have to. I guess you could call me selfish for not just giving up my dreams of another child and wanting to keep all that God gave me for as long as possible. I have been working very hard to shed as many pounds as possible, because the doctor said this could be a possible help with reversing the Endometerial Hyperplasia. So far I am down about 25 lbs and I must admit I can feel the difference in my energy levels and my over all outlook on things.
My surgery has been scheduled for the 21st of September in the morning. Then we play the waiting game (it took about a week the last time for them to call back with the results). Everything for the future of our family hinges on what they find. I have prayed and thought so hard about what to do. I have decided that if it has regressed, we need to go on with the treatments to get pregnant. However, if it hasn't regressed or has actually gone into Atpia (Cancer), then I will be left with no choice but to go ahead with the hysterectomy. Yes, I could do another 3 months of the Magage treatment but there is no guarantee that it will regress it and there is a possibility that things can even turn worse.
DH's main concern is that if we wait and so forth, that cancer could appear without our knowing and it could spread beyond the uterus which could cost me my life. I can see where he is coming from and can't blame him.

Day 4

Well, today is day 4 of my new way of eating. The doctor told me that if I was to loose weight I would be more likely to stop the progression of the Endrometrial Hyperplasia and it could even help to regress it. On Monday, I weighed in at 218 and I need to get down to 125 over time...it is going to be a very long road and I know that I might never get down that far but even a 10% loss can help with the PCOS and the symptoms that accompany it. Basically I am going to take it one day at a time on this part of the journey. Currently I am trying to stick to about 1700 calories and 190 grams of carbs a day. I am going to be realistic about this because after all I am married and I have a kid, so there will be times when the new way of eating might have to take a day or two off. I haven't begun the exercising part yet. I decided to get use to the trying to eat 6 times a day, stay within my goals for the calorie and carb intake, keep a food journal and make sure that I take my medicine twice a day like I am suppose to (I am on day 10 of a 90 day Progestrone treatment). I bet you noticed that I don't say the "D" word when referring to eating, that is just a word I can't stand and refuse to use. This is a lifestyle change, and I am not doing it because I have a 20yr High School Reunion in a year or because I want to fit into a bikini, I am doing it to better my health. So far, I am doing good and keeping very much on top of my goals. I just hope that I don't loose steam over time.

The Call

I got the call yesterday from my infertility specialist, she's the one that performed my hysteroscopy on the 15th. The news isn't good. She says that I do indeed have Endometrial Hyperplasia. There are 4 stages to this. Right now basically I am in the pre-cancerous stage (Simple to Complex). If it was cancer the word Atypia would accompany it. Thankfully, while this is scary, it is very treatable but it does increase my chances of Uterine Cancer about 100% in my life time. I am going to go on a 3 month treatment of Progesterone....40mg twice a day (this is a very high dosage). Then I will go back in, in Sept for another hysteroscopy to see if the treatment helped to regress the Endometrial Hyperplasia. If it did, they want a pregnancy ASAP and of course for us that means going back on infertility treatments. The reason for this is because your body produces large amounts of natural progesterone during pregnancy which would be a huge plus for me and then if you BF, you produce progesterone during that time...but it can't be supplemental BFing. If it hasn't regressed or has progressed even further, then it is a hysterectomy ASAP. That means no more trying for a 2nd baby, that means God has chosen our path in life for sure. I know that may sound harsh to some, but I have and will always believe that God gives us burdens like this for a reason (sometimes it is just to grow in Him as His child), we might not understand it at the time it is going on but He will let know His reasons and purpose when the time is right. God is in control ultimately. I can lean on Him and He will carry me when I need to be carried down this path of life. Sure I get upset and depressed at times (I spent most of yesterday afternoon crying), after all I am only human and I don't fully understand the whole reason for this path that I am on but I know that ultimately God does and I trust Him. I want to remind everyon if you are facing a trial in your life that deals with your health, you are your own best advocate when it comes to your body, your disease and what you want to happen but ALWAYS take it to God in Prayer and seek His guidance. I have found during this journey that not all doctors or specialist know everything that there is to be known about your disease, and they defiantly don't always tell you everything that you need to know about it either. Research, read, chat with others, seek 2nd opinions and most importantly take care of your body. If you have PCOS like me, did you know that there are ways you can reverse it...it wont make it go away but you can keep it and those nasty other little friends of it undercontrol and live almost symptom free. Keeping your weight in check is one of the best ways, but you see no one (doctors) ever told me that. I see an endocronologist and she has never once in over the 2 yrs I have been seeing her mentioned loosing weight, even when I started gaining more. I always thought it was because she knew how hard it is for a PCOS woman to loose weight...but watching your calorie and carb intake, and exercising (and not being seditary) is one of the best things we PCOS girls can do for our bodies.

The Big Day

Well, today is the "big" day...surgery day. I am some what scared but know that this will help to determine why my lining doesn't want to seem to thin down like it is suppose to. I am so worried that they will find cancer. You know I never thought that I would ever say that word when refering to me, but then again I bet everyone in the world, especially those with cancer say the same thing. Praying for a uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery.

Pre-Operation Appointment

Went in to the doctor today for the pre-opt appointment about the hysteroscopy and DNC. It was a good appointment over all. I was informed however of the risks that can accompany these procedures. There is a chance that the uterus is punctured and then they will have to stop the procedure or they could do a laperoscopy and sew the puncture closed and continue. Oh Joy! That sounds like fun, not! There is also a chance of hemorrhaging, infection and scaring. If a polyp is found they will scrap just that area and send it off to the lab, if no polyp is found then they will scarp the whole uterine lining and send it off to the lab. If all comes back clear we can proceed with the fertility treatments...she did say even if it comes back with a probability of cancer, we could still do the treatments. Praying, Praying!