Over with

        Well on Wednesday the 12th, I had my hysterectomy. I cried during the prep for the operation. I just broke down. I think it started when the first nurse made a comment about "Getting Rid of the Plumbing" like it was no big deal and something that all women my age do. I told her that no, I didn't want this to take place. I wanted another baby. This wasn't my choice. Cancer sucks! I had to stay overnight in the hospital but was able to come home the following morning. So far, I have done nothing but lay around in bed. It's already getting to me. I am not lay around in bed all day long type of person. I am suppose to remain here for at least a few more days. I just might go stir crazy.

Time is Quickly Ticking Away

My hysterectomy is now literally only days away, 4 1/2 to be exact. Sad and scared doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling as we closer to the date of this forever life changing surgery. I think without the Lexapro, I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life right now.  My 9 1/2 yr old son is not taking this well, he gets so upset. He's clingy and will cry at the drop of a hat. It's killing me to see how this is effecting him. He's scared, he's sad too. You also learn just how many friends (and family) you really have at a time like this. I just wish that people took the time to try and understand, this is not a choice and there are no other options for us to expand our family. This surgery will finalize everything for us.

Some events (days) harder then others

Had a hard morning in church, it was baby dedications and to top it off one of the worship singers was very pregnant (not to mention it's exactly 31 days to my hysterectomy). It was like I was being slapped in the face with what I couldn't have or do. I tried to hard to contain my composure. However, I just could not stop the tears from flowing or the heart from feeling broken. Why do something (or days) have to be so hard, so in your face?

The real me is finally back!

I went to the doctor last Monday, and admitted to her that I was battling deep depression and anxiety some in part to my current health issues. I had her put me back on the Lexapro that I was on prior to having our son. Let me tell, you a week later, I can already tell a difference and feel like my old self is returning. Sometimes we need to admit when we need help and do what it takes to make things right again. There is nothing wrong with admitting your depressed and need some medical help.

Stop thinking you know me!

I am tired of people thinking that they know me and what I am feeling while I am going through this. Only I (and the Lord) truly know me that well, and only He and I know what I am feeling at this point in time. I am tired of people assuming that this was my decision (and acting/treating me like it was), that I elected to have a hysterectomy. No! No! No, I didn't! I didn't choose this for me, I was told & informed that this was the best choice for my health, my body and my life expectancy. If I don't want to chance leaving my young son motherless, than I have to take care of myself. Unfortunately, in order for me to do that, I have to have a hysterectomy. Let me grieve, it's a part of the process. I am not just grieving the loss of my uterus, but more importantly I am grieving the loss of my ever being able to have another child. Even though I am almost 40, it's still possible to have a child as long as you have all the proper parts and you body is producing eggs. So you see dreams are being murdered as far as I am concerned. Yes, I am going to take offense at this time of those who chose to complain about the 500 million children (I know that is an exaggeration --- but hopefully you see what I mean) God has chosen to bless them with. I am going to take offense when you're 8 months pregnant and complaining about just how awful being pregnant for the 100th millionth (I know another exaggeration) time is. I am going to take offense when you can never find a positive thing to say about your children, your spouse, or your marriage. I don't care if you don't like that I am going to be straight forward and tell you just exactly how I am feeling at that time about what you are gripping about, because yes, as far as I am concerned that is exactly what you are doing and how it is coming across to those around you (whether they choose to say so to your face or not, or even worse yet join you in your gripping session). You can pretend that you didn't realize what you were saying was offensive but deep down you know you were complaining and gripping about your blessings. Why am I the one being punished, while all you do is sit back and complain about what God has given you? Granted I haven't walked in your shoes or gone through what you have, but then again you haven't walked in mine either. You can blog about your perfect parenting skills and boast about how wonderful of a parent you are but when you sit there with your peers and choose to do nothing but look at the negative, it makes all your blogging meaningless. If you truly have walked the path of infertility and/or the loose of a pregnancy or child, then you of all people should know to think before you speak. How did you feel when these things were happening to you? Did you like to sit there and listen to people complain about their blessings all the time? Did you just want to tell those around you to stop? I do! My child isn't perfect by any means, but he is my blessing. I choose to look to what he adds to our lives, not takes away from it (which in my book, is nothing). I had over 10 yrs of being childless, to go to spas, shopping trips with the girls, movies and date nights out. He is only going to be a child for such a short time, there will be plenty of time after he is grown up to go get a pedicure, go shopping again with the girls, to go out alone to movies or dinner. He is not an inconvenience in our lives. He is a part of our lives. He makes our lives richer not poorer.

Date for surgery set

Well, I received my appointment information in the mail this afternoon. Who know that opening a packet from a hospital could make one burst into uncontrollable crying. I am sure though it happens far more than most think that it does. Sometimes they are tears of great joy but most often probably tears of anguish, as mine were. It's like it's now chiseled in stone, nothing short of a MIRACLE is going to stop it from happening. It's so final. It doesn't help that I am feeling lack of support from certain family members (no, it's not my husband). I don't want to get any further into that can of worms, so I will just leave it at that. 
I will be having the Da Vinci (robotic) hysterectomy. Unfortunately, I do have to have the cervix taken at the same time. I was hoping that this wasn't the case. However the cervix is part of the endometrial system, therefore, there could be traces of the the Endometrial Hyperplasia in the cervix itself. Which if it isn't removed now could turn into to cervix cancer and require a 2nd surgery or worse. Kind of like playing Russian Roulette with your life and health. So, they will be taking the uterus and the cervix. Unless they find something wrong with the ovaries, they will be leaving them. That way I wont be sent into immediate and early menopause. They will not do a traditional hysterectomy unless there is an emergency, like they nick the bladder or the colon and need to make repairs. This will most likely be an out patient surgery, that is unless they nick something and need to do a more invasive surgery, I loose more blood than I am suppose to (1/2 a cup is about the normal blood loss for the this type of surgery), and/or I have a negative reaction to the anesthesia. 
Not exactly the way I was wanting this journey to end, but I guess at least it is coming to an end. I am sure however, I am far from being off the emotional roller coaster, just will be riding a different kind for a while. 

Appointment with the Oncologist

Today was my appointment with the gynecological oncologist. After a brief visit and exam, I was told I was a good canidate for a robotic hysterectomy. It'll be sometime around mid-Dec. Until I will remain on the Megace to keep the Endometerial Hyperplasia from progressing into full blown uterine cancer. So the wheels have been set into motion, short of a miracle it'll happen.