Time is Quickly Ticking Away

My hysterectomy is now literally only days away, 4 1/2 to be exact. Sad and scared doesn't even begin to describe how I have been feeling as we closer to the date of this forever life changing surgery. I think without the Lexapro, I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life right now.  My 9 1/2 yr old son is not taking this well, he gets so upset. He's clingy and will cry at the drop of a hat. It's killing me to see how this is effecting him. He's scared, he's sad too. You also learn just how many friends (and family) you really have at a time like this. I just wish that people took the time to try and understand, this is not a choice and there are no other options for us to expand our family. This surgery will finalize everything for us.

Date for surgery set

Well, I received my appointment information in the mail this afternoon. Who know that opening a packet from a hospital could make one burst into uncontrollable crying. I am sure though it happens far more than most think that it does. Sometimes they are tears of great joy but most often probably tears of anguish, as mine were. It's like it's now chiseled in stone, nothing short of a MIRACLE is going to stop it from happening. It's so final. It doesn't help that I am feeling lack of support from certain family members (no, it's not my husband). I don't want to get any further into that can of worms, so I will just leave it at that. 
I will be having the Da Vinci (robotic) hysterectomy. Unfortunately, I do have to have the cervix taken at the same time. I was hoping that this wasn't the case. However the cervix is part of the endometrial system, therefore, there could be traces of the the Endometrial Hyperplasia in the cervix itself. Which if it isn't removed now could turn into to cervix cancer and require a 2nd surgery or worse. Kind of like playing Russian Roulette with your life and health. So, they will be taking the uterus and the cervix. Unless they find something wrong with the ovaries, they will be leaving them. That way I wont be sent into immediate and early menopause. They will not do a traditional hysterectomy unless there is an emergency, like they nick the bladder or the colon and need to make repairs. This will most likely be an out patient surgery, that is unless they nick something and need to do a more invasive surgery, I loose more blood than I am suppose to (1/2 a cup is about the normal blood loss for the this type of surgery), and/or I have a negative reaction to the anesthesia. 
Not exactly the way I was wanting this journey to end, but I guess at least it is coming to an end. I am sure however, I am far from being off the emotional roller coaster, just will be riding a different kind for a while. 

Appointment with the Oncologist

Today was my appointment with the gynecological oncologist. After a brief visit and exam, I was told I was a good canidate for a robotic hysterectomy. It'll be sometime around mid-Dec. Until I will remain on the Megace to keep the Endometerial Hyperplasia from progressing into full blown uterine cancer. So the wheels have been set into motion, short of a miracle it'll happen.

The dreaded appointment (that ended up being a phone call instead)

My specialist called this afternoon. You know how you know it's going to happen, you brace yourself for it but you just end up not being strong enough to withstand the force of the blow? That is how that phone call ended up being for me.

As I stated in yesterdays blog post, the biopsy showed that the Endometrial Hyperplasia has returned. The specialist confirmed this today on the phone. She says she feels that it is no longer in my best interest health wise to continue to try for baby #2. She fears that the Endometrial Hyperplasia will turn to full blown uterine cancer while trying for #2. Having a 2nd baby was suppose to prolong my keeping my uterus. Guess it just wasn't in God's plan for either a 2nd baby or the keeping of my uterus any longer. That final door, has been slammed shut in my face.

I keep looking back, regretting decisions. I could have pushed, I should have pushed earlier to start having children. PCOS was still a "new" thing in medicine, even though as I said in previous posts, I believe it has been around for centuries. No one ever in the in the 20 plus years of having female issues (the last 14 years of which were diagnosed as PCOS) did anyone (except my specialist) ever tell me how important it was to my endometrial health to have a MONTHLY cycle. After I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was told once ever 3 to 6 months was healthy for me. Guess what (unless I was on the pill, which I never was) it wasn't. If I had be being given monthly progesterone treatments and had a monthly cycle, it is far less likely that I would be in the situation that I am in today. Yesterday, I googled Endometrial Hyperplasia PCOS and found that PCOS has now been found to drastically increase a woman's chance of uterine cancer. I never heard this before I met with my infertility specialist to try for baby #2. Though one page did offer suggestions on how to "prevent" it, it never mentioned having a monthly cycle was the most important (weight loss, eat less fat, treat your pcos  with progesterone treatments (which should give you your cycle but doesn't state that) and have a yearly pap (which a pap WILL NOT tell you if you have pcos----please don't think that it will)). I can not stress it enough, if you or anyone you know has abnormal cycles. Please seek a specialist, rule out things like PCOS for sure. If you (or they) are diagnosed with PCOS. Find a doctor well versed in it. Do all you can to keep your uterus healthy and make sure that unless you are on the pill you have a monthly cycle. If your doctor says you don't need to have one every month, find a new doctor. This truly is important, I would hate to see anyone with PCOS in my place, especially if they have read this warning. It's no joke.

Do not take for granted that what should be will be. There is no guarantee that woman will be able to become a mother in her lifetime or that a man will be able to father children in his. Take each day 1 at a time. Stand up for what you believe. Fight for what you want will your whole heart, being and soul. Above all accept (even if you can't understand the reasons why) what God gives you and the roads you will travel down in this lifetime. He has an ultimate reason and a purpose (possibly 1 or more of the following): 1. to teach you something   2. to use you to teach someone else something     3. to use you to be there for others who will follow down the same path     No, God doesn't do bad things to us but He can allow them to happen for a lot of reasons. We just need to lean on Him and be prepared to see why we were chosen to endure.

The last thing that I want to say in this post is more of a reminder, You are your own best advocate. NO ONE knows your body as well as you do. If you do not agree with what the doctor is telling you, you have the right to walk out, to "fire" them, to seek a second (and even third, possibly a fourth (or more)) opinion. Never, ever stand for second best when it comes to your body, your health and/or well being in any fashion of the way. Stand up for you, because most likely no one else will do it for you (unless they are paid to do so and even then, they tend to have their own agenda).

Crossing my fingers and holding my breath

Today I had an appointment with my specialist for my bi-monthly intro-vaginal sonogram. WooooHoooooo! my lining was 5mm thick. They like to see it less than 7mm. That means I am in the GREAT range. It was decided that I will go in on the 28th for another intro-vaginal sonogram to see if there are any follicles (eggs) present. This is the only way of knowing for sure if the Femara is working, especially since the ovulation kits aren't showing any peak levels. If there are follicles present, they will give me a shot of Ovidrel that will cause the follicles to mature and triggers ovulation. I was told to Baby Dance (BD) that night, the next night and the night after, if we couldn't the night in the middle that would be okay but try to do it in the morning instead and skip the BD that night. We'll see. All it'll take is one healthy swimmer and we're in business. :0) If this doesn't work, then we are at the end of the line with our TTC#2. DH's doctor said that the best thing a couple could do, was to have a plan and follow through with it. He was glad to hear that we have one and have been sticking to it. Trust me, it's hard to stick to it but I know in my heart of heart that is what is ultimately best for our marriage and our son. The stress on us and our relationship from this whole adventure has been something that has brought us closer over all, had at times brought more frustration, tears, cross words and sleepless nights.

The Results from the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram)

Yesterday, I went in to have my HSG test done. It showed complete blockage of the right fallopian tube but the left is free and clear of blockages. This means we still have a chance but it is slightly lessened as there is no access for the sperm to impregnate an egg on the right side and no way for the egg if it was impregnated  to leave the tube and travel into the uterus for implantation. I have to set up an appointment to see my IS (infertility specialist) soon, so we can discuss this at further length. She feels that this blockage of the right tube is do to scar tissue from the 3 surgeries that I had in the last few year due to the endometrial hyperplasia. She said that there could be a slight chance it was just a spasm but she did feel that it was likely because this was the area that was problematic in the surgeries. She said that with the Clomid you tend to ovulate on both sides during ovulation. We talked briefly about doing the transvaginal ultrasound to see if I was ovulating and a shot that will help stimulate the release of the egg. I felt like I took 20 steps backward yesterday. Starting to wonder if another baby is in God's plan for our family. Trying very hard not to get discouraged or loose faith. Need to get on my knees and spend some one on one time with God and truly seek his will.

Yet another test to have done

I have to go in on Monday and have a HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test done. They will be injecting radiographic dye into my  uterus. This is to check to see if there is any blockages, or issues with my tubes and ovaries. I have had this procedure done before, shortly before I got pregnant with our son.

Side note: They upped my clomid last month to 150 mg (6x what we took to get pregnant with our son). Still not 100% sure I am ovulating. Ovulation tests are about as frustrating as pregnancy tests, they never seem to read what I want them too. If after this month (and if the HSG test, shows no blockages or other issues) we're still not sure if I am actually ovulating or not, I will be going in and having a transvaginal ultrasound done to check for ovulation. When ovulation is found then we get busy and I will take a shot that will help with the follicle releasing so it can be impregnated. Praying we'll not have to go that far but time is running out for this to happen. It's hard feeling like there is this huge clock ticking over my head, it adds so much pressure to the situation.