Re-do Update

Today I went back in for a "re-do" of the ultrasound that I went in for on Saturday. Follicle still present (Praise the Lord), grew 2 more cm (now at 16) and the lining was still at the same measurement (HUGE Praise the Lord ----- this morning in the shower He reminded me that they told me that the Femara could cause the lining to be a little thicker). I am to give myself the shot of Ovidrel on Wednesday, we are to BD on Wednesday night and Friday morning (or night). I stopped by a dear friends house who is also a Strong Firm Believer in Christ, her husband, she and I laid hands on the Ovidrel and then we prayed for it to be effective, work, no side effects and that a baby would be conceived. (I SAY AMEN, AMEN, AMEN ..... I BELIEVE ..... PRAISE YOU GOD!!). Now it's all in God's hands, but then again it always has been.

Back to the start????

Went in for my doctors appointment this morning. They were doing an ultrasound and then going to give me a shot of Ovidrel (which will mature the follicles (which is what they were looking for this morning with the ultrasound---one was found (14mm --- needs to be about 18mm) and cause me to ovulate). Ended up not getting the shot and being told there was concern about my lining. It seemed thick, which with the past history of Endometrial Hyperplasia can mean back to square one for us again. My stress level jacked up 100%. The nurse (tech) wanted to talk to the doctor, who wasn't working this weekend. So they said that they would call me back after talking to her. She called back after having spoken to the Dr. for a very long time (not good from my experience). It was decided that for this month I don't need to see the doctor. The nurse (tech) will see me on Monday to do another ultrasound and then most likely give me the shot of Ovidrel that day. If we are unsuccessful this month in getting PG, then I do have to see the doctor next month. It's been a year since my last biopsy/check of my lining. I have two choices either having an ultrasound/biopsy or have another hysteroscopy (surgery). Then decide from there if it's continue on TTC#2 or just go straight for the hysterectomy. Let's just say I am feeling extremely overwhelmed right now and trying to remember that it is ultimately God who is in control and not me. We've done everything we could (and were willing for moral reasons) to do. I also need to remember that no one said that this road was an easy one to travel, it just has been feeling so lonely lately on it. 

Silent and Invisible

When something is part of you, you tend to live and breath it because it has over taken you and your life. I am quite sure that this is usually not the choice when it comes to things like diseases. It is just something you have to learn to deal with. Sometimes it is something that folks know very little about because it's either it's a little know about disease or it's a silent/invisible disease (like Lupus, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), Lyme Disease, Fibromyalgia, and Endometriosis.... just a few for example), I like to call these the "You look and act fine, so you must not be that sick disease". Being open about your disease is a part of you, in hopes that someone else who might also be suffering will know that they are not alone and/or that it will bring more awareness to the disease. Just because you can't see it, feel it, taste it, touch it, hear it, or smell it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Yes, I might go on about it and you are tired of hearing about it, but have you ever really taken the time to research and understand what it is like to walk in my shoes and deal with what I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have a dear friend who has Lupus and when we first started hanging out, I often found my feelings hurt because I didn't understand why she would cancel get togethers/outtings at the last minute. I truly thought it was me and she just didn't know how to tell me she didn't want to be my friend after all. Then one day, I choose to finally look past me and research what Lupus really was (after all this was the reason I was always hearing when things were canceled, my Lupus is flaring up today). Guess what? Once I took the time out of my busy day/schedule to learn more about Lupus, I finally began to understand what she dealt with and that she probably didn't enjoy having to call her friends up and cancel on them, that she was suffering. I couldn't see it because to me she looked normal, healthy! But she wasn't her disease is invisible to the naked eye, her body was attacking itself and causing her great pain and discomfort. It's hard for her to get folks to understand this. Once I did though, I was able to be a supportive and understanding friend. I was able to say "It's okay, we'll reschedule when your feeling better or let's just hang out at home and play a game so we can still spend time together if you feel up to it". I learned to adjust according to her needs. She is a dear friend still to this day (14 yrs later). The Lupus has started to show it's toll on her body, it breaks my heart to know and see how much she has been through in all the time that I have known her. I would give anything to switch places with her. She is an inspiration to me and very dear to my whole family. I honestly don't think that if I hadn't taken the time to become knowledgeable about her disease, we wouldn't be the friends that we are today.
My disease is like hers, hard to understand because it's invisible/silent. I look okay on the outside, a little overweight but healthy for the most part. You can't see what lies within, so for you it might be hard to hear constantly how sick I really am. You probably think I am a hypochondriac, someone who just wants or thinks that they need attention. You don't understand that I feel broken as a woman, especially when you see (or know) that I have a child. My child being an only child isn't by choice, it's not what I had planned or wanted, it's what I was given. Yes, I know how blessed I am because I know that there are women who also have my disease who will never, ever know the joys of pregnancy, childbirth or even looking into a face that has some of their features. My heart breaks for these women because even though I was blessed with a child of my own, I still know their pain and have walked in their shoes for 10 years. I never thought I would have a child, that I would never know motherhood. You have heard of my struggles to have another child and probably don't understand why it's such a big issue to me. My child doesn't know the joys of siblings and all that having a sibling means. When my DH and I leave this earth, he'll be all alone. He'll have no one to share his memories of childhood or his parents with. It saddens my heart to think of him with no one who knows the same silly inside family jokes that he does or to help him remember certain family events. He'll be on his own and because of that I have had nothing but the desire to give him the one thing I can't seem to be able to give him. I know what you are thinking because I hear it so often, "Why not adopt" or "You could always adopt". Adoption isn't an option for everyone for various reasons. 
I say all this to say this one thing: Do not judge, ignore, or become frustrated with your friends/family or even strangers when they say they are sick but look "healthy". Take the time to learn about what they have. It just might open your eyes to how they truly are sick and not just a complaining hypochondriac, and how their disease consumes so much of their lives even when they fight against letting that happen every day of their lives. 

Crossing my fingers and holding my breath

Today I had an appointment with my specialist for my bi-monthly intro-vaginal sonogram. WooooHoooooo! my lining was 5mm thick. They like to see it less than 7mm. That means I am in the GREAT range. It was decided that I will go in on the 28th for another intro-vaginal sonogram to see if there are any follicles (eggs) present. This is the only way of knowing for sure if the Femara is working, especially since the ovulation kits aren't showing any peak levels. If there are follicles present, they will give me a shot of Ovidrel that will cause the follicles to mature and triggers ovulation. I was told to Baby Dance (BD) that night, the next night and the night after, if we couldn't the night in the middle that would be okay but try to do it in the morning instead and skip the BD that night. We'll see. All it'll take is one healthy swimmer and we're in business. :0) If this doesn't work, then we are at the end of the line with our TTC#2. DH's doctor said that the best thing a couple could do, was to have a plan and follow through with it. He was glad to hear that we have one and have been sticking to it. Trust me, it's hard to stick to it but I know in my heart of heart that is what is ultimately best for our marriage and our son. The stress on us and our relationship from this whole adventure has been something that has brought us closer over all, had at times brought more frustration, tears, cross words and sleepless nights.

Male Infertility Doctor Follow Up Appointment

DH had his 3 month follow up with the male infertility doctor. His Testosterone levels were 160 when they tested him and now with the Clomid it's in the 430's range (that is where we need it and want it to be at ... while 160 is still considered in the normal range, it's at the very low end of the it). He has to go in in about 14 days to have a count done, praying that this will also show a marked improvement. We also found out that as long as he doesn't get any adverse side effects from the Clomid, he can stay on it as long as needed. We were very concerned about synthetic testosterone treatments due to the side effects but more importantly the effects it could have on Lil' Man being male and around it.
I can tell a difference in DH's sex drive, he is more apt to want it and get frustrated if he doesn't get it when in the mood. While most women would be upset with this, not me! I am loving it! My DH has been pretty A-sexual since the beginning. He could pretty much not get it and be okay. As a woman with PCOS (for those who may not know this fact: Women with PCOS tend to have a much higher sex drive) I pretty much want it all the time. So for me this news about his Testosterone levels being over the 300 that my infertility specialist wants him at and his newly "found" interest makes me a very happy girl. Finally, things seem to be going in the right direction (at least where he is concerned)....now, if I just knew for sure if this Femara was working or not.