Breaking Heart

I didn't realize how hard I was dealing with things on the inside. My heart is absolutely breaking and I feel like I have no control over my life or my dreams anymore. I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and hide from the world. I feel like a failure as a woman. Not to mention I feel as if no one, who is suppose to, wants to care or understand what I am going through or feeling. I also feel as if I have to hide my true feelings from my family, and act as if everything is hunky dorey. It seems like life just keeps throwing in my face what I can never have. I know I sound like I am having a pity party. Maybe I am. I have given up all hope that any type of a miracle is ever going to take place. I feel like I am being punished and God has deemed me a failure as a mom and that is why I am "bearing this cross". It doesn't help that my husband has been pushing me for the past year to get a hysterectomy and has declared himself to "old" to have another child. It's like my feelings don't matter and never have, like I am just to push them aside and eventually I will just move on and get over them. My heart is breaking on the inside and I just don't know how to mend it correctly. I feel so sad and so lonely..............................................

Why Me?

Seriously why is it always me, who has the encounter with someone who is complaining about their children, being pregnant or their spouse wanting another kid?  Why am I "gripping" about this? Well, it's been a hard week for me. I found out that my step brother (whom I love with all my heart) and his wife are having a little girl in Sept. If you know me, you know that is what I was praying that we would have if we would have gotten pregnant. I can't side step this, I am happy for them but at the same time a wee bit jealous (envious) too. I want to participate in their happiness, share their joy and not wear my heart on my sleeve. Thankfully I can do this from afar as they are in WA state and I am in KS. Anyway, I digress, I was in Gymboree to purchase a baby gift for the baby shower that my step sister will be throwing for them in about 10 days. I picked out what I wanted and took it to the cash register. I commented on how I love their clothes because they last. I said I knew this because the clothes I had purchased from them over the years for my son have been passed down to several other little boys and are still going strong. Well, for some reason this seemed to be an invitation for the sales lady to start in on how she was going to give her child's clothes to someone but her husband said not to, he wanted to try for another child. She said to me "who does he think is going to carry it" and how she wasn't in on this deal and so on. I just gave her a weak smile, said I only had 1 child and that unfortunately for me, another child was not in the cards for us. She didn't get my hints and just kept going on and on about not wanting to be inconvenienced by being pregnant and having another child. How all this idea of having another child was his mother's doing, that he should stop answering the phone and talking to his mother. Seriously??? So I ended up spending most of my check out time listening to yet another person complaining about their blessings (children) and how it was a hassle to be a parent (no she didn't say that but that is how is basically comes across to most women who would give up everything they have just to be able to get pregnant without thinking about it, because their spouse (and they) wanted a baby). Some people just don't think about what other people might be going through before they open their mouths.

Praising God!!

After such an emotional roller coaster over the past year, we finally received (well at least I think so) some good news. While we were on our way to OKC on Friday for a mini-family vacation, my doctor called. She had received the 2nd pathology report. She said that it showed no current signs of a-typia (cancer) and that from what she saw and this pathology report, we didn't have to do a rush hysterectomy (HUGH SIGH of relief) for the time being. However, we could end up right back in the same spot later on down the road. I have to keep very vigilant about getting a monthly "jump start" every 35 days if my cycle doesn't come on it's own. I have to make sure it doesn't start acting up again (heavy, spotty, or so forth). I have to go in at least 1 time a year (more if my cycle starts acting up again) to have the same surgery that I had 3 times this past year. We have to be very watchful and make sure that the uterus lining stays healthy in thickness and so forth. I will eventually have to have a hysterectomy though. I will need it before I hit menopause. I am thinking, I will just plan it for my 40th birthday and then I will have it over with. I would like to keep everything until then, though if possible (God willing). We still can use this time to try and get pregnant if we still wish. DH is pretty set on no due to his age (he's a whopping 43). I have mixed feelings to be very honest at this point, maybe it's because I don't want to deal with all the emotions and disappointments that are sure to come with "trying" again (especially for us, since there are no guarantees). Plus I really was having a hard time these past few weeks with depression, I really considered going to my GFP and asking them to prescribe some kind of antidepressant for me (again).For right now, we aren't going to prevent it from happening but we aren't going to go the extra steps to help insure it happens either. Basically we are leaving it in God's hands and if it happens it was truly meant (and ordained) by HIM to be.

Feelings About Life Right Now

It's hard to grasp knowing that you will definitely get cancer in your lifetime, no mights, maybes or probablies about it. What's even harder to grasp than that is knowing that you can prevent this certain type of cancer with an operation and a removal of an organ. However removing this organ is finalizing not only the possibility of cancer but of ever being able to hold another baby of your own. Knowing that that season of your life will be gone before it's time is up. There will be no more hope for a miracle, the door will be slammed shut on that possibility ever taking place. But even though holding another baby would be a dream, a miracle come true ... is being selfish the right road to take, knowing what it will mean in the future? A hysterectomy seems so final, so end of the road. Yes life will go on, but a hysterectomy changes you forever. You question (even though thousands of women have them every year, some like you who didn't choose that option as a form of birth control but for life and death reasons) will I still be a woman in my husbands eyes? Is it true I could loose my libido? You'll be being thrust into early menopause. Then your mind goes back again to that never held baby, the one of your hearts desire. Is it worth it to slam the door shut and not allow every chance you can for that miracle to take place. Especially when you have been taught and seen with your own eyes God heal others and provide miracles. Then you start to wonder why was I choose to go down this path in life? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I not worthy in God's eyes to be a Mom again? Not to mention this path, this road feels so lonely, so very lonely and frightening. There are days you can't think because it brings tears, deep sadness and anger. You want to shout "WHY ME? WHAT DID I EVER DO?" You think how this disease, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) can cause so many things that people just don't understand. Weight gain for one, how people look at you and think you are a fat, lazy slob of a person because your overweight. They don't know how you struggle every day with what you see in the mirror. The facial hair, the diabetes, the loss of your hair and then theres the possibilities of getting Endometrial Hyperplasia due to lack of having a monthly cycle on a regular basis because the uterine lining isn't shedding like God intended it too. Then there is the inevitable, dreaded "I" word. Infertility! You go through an emotional roller coaster each and every day, will my cycle come? Am I pregnant? Did it work this month? Not to mention what going through Infertility Treatments will do to you emotionally (let's just forget the cost for now, which can be astronomical). Adoption, that seems to be everyones answer for you. Just adopt. Or even better yet, stop "trying" and you before you know it you'll be pregnant. STOP SAYING THAT TO WOMEN, please I really mean it. It truly is one of the worst things you can say to a woman (or a couple) who has been trying to get pregnant. Also do not mention how if you could trade places with them you would, you know that isn't going to happen (unless you are willing to offer them your uterus and give up the baby you carried for 9 months --- then only say it if this is what you truly are willing to do). While we know you truly aren't meaning harm by your comments, it still hurts and feels like someone is stabbing you in the heart. It hurts! Sometimes a simple hug or a day with a friend (and trying to steer us away from the topic) is the best medicine we can get at the time.
God has a plan (we just have to be willing to accept it and know that He's there (even when it seems no one else is) through it all) and as Laura Story's song Blessings says "Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

Long Needed Update

Had my last surgery in Sept, they found that there were still some cysts and the lining was still a little thick. So I had to remain on the progesterone treatments for 3 more months. I was suppose to go in for an in office procedure in Dec 2010 but when I got to the Dr.'s office I was told that she had a family emergency (her little boy was in the hospital -- unexpectedly and had been there for a few days already). They said that they had me scheduled to see another doctor. I asked if it was a male doctor, they said yes. I wasn't happy about it but I said I was going to have to be. They called me in a few minutes later and I guess my face gave me away, they rescheduled the appointment for a few weeks later. Well, we get a snow storm and I get ill the day before the appointment so now it's scheduled for the end of this month. I am praying that the 3rd time is a charm, so to speak. I just want to get it over with but I want to make sure it's with the same doctor I started out with so that I can get some questions I have about the future answered.
Side Note: We've decided not to continue on with fertility treatments because they are 3000 to 4000 dollars a treatment (yes that is just for shots and checks with the doctor) and there is no guarantee of a viable pregnancy. We are just going to put it in God's hands and if it's suppose to be that we have another child God will bless us with the ultimate miracle.

Down to the end

Well, now I have less than 30 days of the Magace treatment left. I can't believe I am almost at the end of this treatment. You know though, I was talking to someone the other day whose husband has been facing liver and thyroid cancer ... which also made me think of my Mother-In-Law and my friend Trisha. I have a whole lot to be thankful for with this cancer scare. I didn't have to do chemo or radiation. Granted my treatment doesn't promise a cure either. I know that unless we eventually remove my uterus I will get uterine cancer in my lifetime. But I am still so young and I am just not willing to give it up unless I have absolutely have to. I guess you could call me selfish for not just giving up my dreams of another child and wanting to keep all that God gave me for as long as possible. I have been working very hard to shed as many pounds as possible, because the doctor said this could be a possible help with reversing the Endometerial Hyperplasia. So far I am down about 25 lbs and I must admit I can feel the difference in my energy levels and my over all outlook on things.
My surgery has been scheduled for the 21st of September in the morning. Then we play the waiting game (it took about a week the last time for them to call back with the results). Everything for the future of our family hinges on what they find. I have prayed and thought so hard about what to do. I have decided that if it has regressed, we need to go on with the treatments to get pregnant. However, if it hasn't regressed or has actually gone into Atpia (Cancer), then I will be left with no choice but to go ahead with the hysterectomy. Yes, I could do another 3 months of the Magage treatment but there is no guarantee that it will regress it and there is a possibility that things can even turn worse.
DH's main concern is that if we wait and so forth, that cancer could appear without our knowing and it could spread beyond the uterus which could cost me my life. I can see where he is coming from and can't blame him.

Day 4

Well, today is day 4 of my new way of eating. The doctor told me that if I was to loose weight I would be more likely to stop the progression of the Endrometrial Hyperplasia and it could even help to regress it. On Monday, I weighed in at 218 and I need to get down to 125 over time...it is going to be a very long road and I know that I might never get down that far but even a 10% loss can help with the PCOS and the symptoms that accompany it. Basically I am going to take it one day at a time on this part of the journey. Currently I am trying to stick to about 1700 calories and 190 grams of carbs a day. I am going to be realistic about this because after all I am married and I have a kid, so there will be times when the new way of eating might have to take a day or two off. I haven't begun the exercising part yet. I decided to get use to the trying to eat 6 times a day, stay within my goals for the calorie and carb intake, keep a food journal and make sure that I take my medicine twice a day like I am suppose to (I am on day 10 of a 90 day Progestrone treatment). I bet you noticed that I don't say the "D" word when referring to eating, that is just a word I can't stand and refuse to use. This is a lifestyle change, and I am not doing it because I have a 20yr High School Reunion in a year or because I want to fit into a bikini, I am doing it to better my health. So far, I am doing good and keeping very much on top of my goals. I just hope that I don't loose steam over time.