Update on DH's Test (UPDATED 7/11/08)

I will try to keep this family friendly but let you know what is happening. We finally got DH's test results back after almost 3 weeks of waiting on pins and needles. Count is good, mobility is down and some are misshapen (this is called Sperm morphology...this is usually seen in guys who are smokers or drinkers). We have been referred to a specialist (I think that he might be a Urologist). DH and I will be discussing this. I don't know how DH will feel about all the tests that I have read that they will want him to go through. Men are kinda funny about that stuff, well at least DH is. He had a hard enough time going to get this initial test done. So I will keep you posted on what we decide to do and if there is even something that we can do about it. I think some of this ties to DH's Accident that he had. I guess the specialist is the only one who will be able to clarify this for us though. Well just thought I would let you know. I know that this is a touchy subject with some of my readers, while others are very supportive and want to know. Sorry if I offend anyone. Just want to put it out there because we sure can use the prayers for God's guidance and will for us in this situation.

*****UPDATE*****
DH has agreed to go to see the doctor. However the doctor has a long wait to see him, so the appointment wont be until Sept 30th. In a lot of ways this is good, DH seeing the doctor that is. This will get some of the MEN tests that he needs to have done any way for health reasons. It is a Urologist that he will be seeing. They will preform various tests on him and then we will have to wait for the results, I am guessing that the wait will probably be as long as the wait we had on the initial test that started it all. Of course I will keep you posted as to what we find out. Thanks to everyone who is praying for us.

Waiting on Pins and Needles (update about DH's test)

Well here we sit, waiting on pins and needles for DH's test results. He went a week ago tomorrow to get his little "soldiers" counted. I just called the OBGYN's to see if they have gotten the results yet and they said it can take up to 10 days! 10 days??? 10 days with all this hi-tech technology that we have. Oie Vey! I just want this part over with so we know what we are dealing with and if a 2nd baby is even possible. I just can't handle all the ups and downs that come with waiting every month to see if we were successful or not. I will let you know what we find out.

Still Trying for Number 2

Just a quick note to let you know that we are still trying for baby number 2. I had to go in a week ago today and have a sonogram done. It wasn't to see if everything was alright for us to have another baby but because I was having very bad stomach pains and issues. All is well it turns out besides some cysts in both ovaries but that goes with having PCOS and they will come and go all time. So I have been given a clean bill of health and my stomach issues were related to the cyst bursting. Since all is well there, we decided to quit dragging our feet and get Kirk into the doctors to have the count done that he needs to get done, in order for us to continue on with fertility treatments. Since he had severe bruising from his accident we aren't sure if there was damage done or not, that could be causing us not to be able to get pregnant with number 2. So I am asking that everyone keep Kirk in your prayers Wednesday, June 18th, that he will be able to produce a sample and they will be able to get a good count from him (thus showing nothing wrong). Also please pray that if nothing is wrong and that if it is God's Will for our family, that we will concieve baby number 2 soon and have a healthy pregnancy. I let you know the results of Kirks test.

Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have hair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People stare at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section. (please note this is just the short list of other ailments and side effects a woman can suffer with PCOS). (NOTE: added 6/30/11 if you are a woman with PCOS and don't have a regular monthly mense (especially if it last longer than a week or an unusually heavy flow) consult your doctor (keep pushing them if you have too) to find out what is going on. This could be a sign of something more serious with PCOS. Sorry don't want to freak you out but it's serious enough to put this warning on here. Even if you don't have PCOS and one of these issues arise, consult your doctor (especially if it continues over a duration of time).

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE

TTC Update

Just wanted to let my readers know, that we had no such luck getting pregnant. The clomid is gone now, we need to get ourselves to the doctor and get more tests done. So we can see where we can go from here, if anywhere. Basically, we have to see where our difficulty is coming from. If it is me, probably just more intense infertility treatments. If it is Kirk (I am especially concerned about it, if something happened due to his accident and how he will handle that info), then I am not sure what the procedures are or if we can even do anything about. However I have decided that we will get the initial tests done, a sperm count basically, and if it isn't him then I think I am going to take the summer off before we start trying again. I want to give my body a rest from all those meds. I also need to have another dye test done (for my PCOS...to see if there are any blockages or cysts) I think, guess I will see what my doctor has to say about this. Will keep you posted.

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution.

I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be.

Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening.

Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian.

I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have.

I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life.

Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say.

God Bless!!!!